Carroll vs Hambre - Peanut Gallery

Due to technical difficulties and the fact that all of the HAX News Network correspondents were investigating the impact of Oktoberfest beer consumption on investigative journalism quality and are therefore tired and surly, our programming will be delayed.

Dear Mr. Powell,Thank you so much for the beautiful postcard showing the fireworks display. Is that from a norteamericano Independence Day celebration? Although I don't quite understand the dossier reference, no doubt from my lack of facility in your language, it is always a great pleasure to hear from our friendly neighbors to the north.I have wonderful news to share with you! As you know, Nicaragua is the largest country in Centroamerica, but with only 4 million population. Our tiny population vs great land area has long been a source of problems for our economic development, and has contributed to mucho instability and misunderstandings in the past. We would like you to be one of the first to know we have signed a new agreement with the People's Republic of China that will go far to overcoming these shortfalls. Beginning tomorrow, nearly 10 million surplus inhabitants of the People's Republic will start immigrating to Nicaragua to assist in our economic development. We have been told these immigrants include the full TO&E complements of the 33d Armored and 54th Mechanized Shock Armies and their families. Isn't this wonderful? Moreover, the People's Republic sent a gift to seal the bargain of 18 Dong Feng-31's. We are overwhelmed at the generosity of such a warm hearted nation.We hope you will join us in welcoming these Chinese visitors to our shores.Looking forward to our further correspondance.Warmest regards,Luis Jose Maria Santiago de Coronado y Cordoba
Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs and Defense
Gobierno de Nicaragua
Presidential Palace
Managua

Hax News Network science reporting exclusive!This just in,
In what appears to have been a scientific experiment gone terribly wrong, a senior citizen in Vermont was severely injured by a flock of chickens. Sources claim he was trying to prove that the chickens were in fact the result of "semi-meiosis", a popular and radical replacement to the theory of evolution who's proponents include a candidate for governor of the state. The chickens apparently became disturbed by his prodding and inappropriate use of a thermometer and attacked the man.A spokesperson for the the hospital claimed he was in stable but comical condition and resting comfortably. He asked the public for assistance in identifying the relatives of the senior citizen and said the only clue to who they might be came from the mutterings of the patient as he drifted in and out of consiousness murmering "Grasse..Grasse!"
The hospital requests that Mr or Mrs. Grasse please contact them immdediately.Poultry expert Brad McFall said of the failed experiment "Gould's artichoke failed the electron when the chicken ate my mica"Complicating the story, witnesses say, a professor of biology and primatologist Dr. S. Page, was observed at the scene of the incident apparantely trying to confirm whether or not the senior citizen did or did not drive a red pickup truck. He was arrested by agent Moose of the Vermont ANTI-PAGE Enforcement Unit. Authorities released Page's statement "Why don't you and all the other incompetent ARN and IDiot.net losers get a clue you worthless scum" Arresting officer Moose had no comment as he was laughing too hard at Page's arrest.The defense lawyer for Dr. Page, Dr. Lawdog of Ten-sai, Zephan, Appletoast Legal Counsel and Inflatable Sex Toy Repair Service stated "this case will be won based on the evidence...none of this molten rocks to man nonesense...pure evidence...do you know what evidence is? I have a law degree..what kind of degree do you have reporter boy..get lost".We will contiue to update you as this story developes and as our correspondent's hangover dissipates...whichever comes first.This is Hax correspondent O. wardi signing off[This message has been edited by Mammuthus, 10-01-2003]

I see no winner yet - Mammuthus and Quetzal are still neck and neck! What's this thread's topic again?--Percy

There was a topic? Anyhow, since a) no one except I, Mammuthus, and yer honorable self have seen fit to comment on the debate (after WK's critique of the Miller emulation on page 1), and b) it's in the FFA, we might as well have some fun with it at Hambre/Carroll's expense - assuming we're not looking at disk limitations. Honestly, I think the thread has had a positive effect on the actual debate, 'tho it's probably too soon to tell. See Dan's most recent post after learning that BOTH contestants were losing. Going back to his comedic roots" will hopefully jumpstart the actual comedy... I was getting addicted to the daily dosage - until Hambre devolved into the "poopoo head" stuff and Dan started reading his newspaper.

I haven't been following the debate (since this thread has been way more creative), but I thought Lovecraft's majordomo had already declared the winner. I bowed out and Dan took a victory lap. The peace pipe was long overdue.Anyway, off to New Jersey (state motto: "Pardon Our Appearance") on business this AM. Do they have electricity that far south yet?------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall[This message has been edited by MrHambre, 10-02-2003]

I'm having as much fun as you guys, not issuing veiled concerns. I have *got* to stop slipping into admin mode when posting as Percipient - makes people gunshy.--Percy

Hax News Network exclusive reportEarly this morning a man with Massachusetts license plates was run off the road and brutally assaulted with a plastic fork and an oversized pickle as he entered the state of New Jersey by what witnesses claim was a deranged comic book artist. The artist was arrested at the scene of the crime while the victim was left laying in his own blood per standard New Jersey Medical practice for the uninsured. However, sources say an ambulance did arrive to retrieve the pickle. Sources also say that the arresting officer Sargent Percy has been investigating the comic artist for some time due to a possible connection with a recent spate of brutal hobo murders.Sargent Percy himself collared the artist as his deputy, officer Moose had to be admitted to a hospital in Vermont due to injuries sustained yesterday while laughing at a primatologist he had arrested in connection with a stalking case at an accident scene involving a poulty experiment.The artist was charged with second degree pickle abuse and failure to use proper silverware. He has reportedly hired a mime as his defense laywer. The victim is resting comfortably at the Our Sacred Lady of the Radioactive Heart Free Clinic near Poughkeepsie.We will continue to update you as this story developes.

A QBN Sports ExclusiveThis just in! [cue *ditditditdit* teletype sound effects]Maseru, Lesotho
1 Oct; QBNThe President of the World Combat Comedy Sports Commission has just lodged a formal complaint to the World Court in the Hague alleging human and supernatural rights violations against the Great Old One Cthulu and a blanket "other persons or entities unknown". The brief was filed on behalf of the Commission by Jeffrey Lunstead, Lestho's Ambassador to the Netherlands. In it the WCCSC alleges "unwarranted and illegal interference" in the highly-acclaimed Carroll-Hambre debate. According to WCCSC Public Relations head N'Gomeru Mostly, who read a lengthy prepared statement to a crowd of utterly indifferent noon-time market-goers from the steps of Commission headquarters in Maseru, Cthulu and its minions "...just showed up, or manifested, or dreamed Its way - whatever - onto the debate stage, peremptorily declared a winner, then vanished in a puff of smoke. Sort of smelled like burning tires, or old underwear, ya know? I mean, it's not like It was even a registered judge or anything. It had no right to do that. It's not even supposed to be awake."In a short interview, World Court Judge Bjorn Mostly indicated he felt that the complaint would receive quick action. "We were all watching the debate in chambers. This type of behavior should not go unpunished."Due to visa restrictions, including the Elder Seals, QBN's Other Worlds reporter Kimpradesh Mostly was unable to reach Cthulu or his minions in R'Lyeh for comment.Stay tuned for futher developments.[cue *ditditdit* effect]This has been an exclusive report of the Quetzal Broadcasting Network. All rights reserved.[This message has been edited by Quetzal, 10-02-2003]

News flash,Today a 14 year old was apprehended attempting to break into the warehouse where the costumes for the Wizard of Oz are stored. Police spokesperson Percy clarified the situation: "apparently the kid was looking for a strawman and had somehow confused this with the scarecrow character."Friends of the youth explained to your correspondent that though many of them had in fact attempted to explain to him what a strawman is, according to long time friend John "he just didnt get it".Police are also investigating long time friend of the youth, Mr. Wise, who sources say egged the kid on telling him "Hey kid, I'll show you some nice pictures of evilutionists in the sky taken by the Hubble if you find the strawman". Though Mr. Wise could not be reached for comment, police sources say he will likely be charged with terminal stupidity, a capital offence in most university towns but a mere traffic violation in Washington DC.Speaking in his own defense the youth claimed "I am da messenja" However, no clarification as to what the message he represents was forthcoming.As always, the Hax News Network will continue to update you on this breaking news.