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Author Topic:   humor II
MangyTiger
Member (Idle past 4640 days)
Posts: 989
From: Leicester, UK
Joined: 07-30-2004


Message 90 of 310 (337273)
08-01-2006 7:33 PM


The Difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Texans
Reposted from NLZ courtesy of xxxxxxx@xxxxxx.xxx

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer:
BANG!

Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.... (sounds of reloading).

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Edited by Admin, : Hide email address.


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Replies to this message:
 Message 92 by robinrohan, posted 08-01-2006 7:47 PM MangyTiger has not yet responded
 Message 100 by RAZD, posted 08-01-2006 8:47 PM MangyTiger has not yet responded

  
MangyTiger
Member (Idle past 4640 days)
Posts: 989
From: Leicester, UK
Joined: 07-30-2004


Message 91 of 310 (337274)
08-01-2006 7:38 PM


PSEUDO SCIENTIFIC CONSTANTS
01. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
02. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
03. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
04. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
05. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
06. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
07. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
08. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
09. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacards
19. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
20. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
21. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
22. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
23. 10 rations = 1 decaration
24. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
25. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
26. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
27. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

  
MangyTiger
Member (Idle past 4640 days)
Posts: 989
From: Leicester, UK
Joined: 07-30-2004


Message 95 of 310 (337280)
08-01-2006 7:59 PM
Reply to: Message 93 by jar
08-01-2006 7:55 PM


Re: The Difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Texans
:) :) :)

As the advertising campaign they ran over here in 1990 said:

Texas - it's like a country within a country


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This message is a reply to:
 Message 93 by jar, posted 08-01-2006 7:55 PM jar has not yet responded

  
MangyTiger
Member (Idle past 4640 days)
Posts: 989
From: Leicester, UK
Joined: 07-30-2004


Message 96 of 310 (337281)
08-01-2006 8:01 PM
Reply to: Message 94 by iano
08-01-2006 7:58 PM


Re: The Difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Texans
I visited Dallas once. And only once.

That wasn't in December 1963 by any chance was it?


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This message is a reply to:
 Message 94 by iano, posted 08-01-2006 7:58 PM iano has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 98 by iano, posted 08-01-2006 8:09 PM MangyTiger has not yet responded

  
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