A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
IRS TAX HUMOR, or, Old Ones are Good Ones.
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." -------------------------------------------------------------------- The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
I would rather live like there is a God and find out there isn't, than live like there isn't a God and find out there is.
Some of you may have seen this already since it hit the web yesterday, but if you've missed it you really need to go watch it.
If you remember, there was a verdict recently in a lawsuit involving copyright issues between Apple Computer's iTunes service and the Beatles' Apple music label. The BBC had arranged for an expert on internet music downloading named Guy to come on the air and discuss the verdict. Unfortunately, at that moment in the waiting room there was a young Congolese immigrant job applicant also named Guy, and he too was waiting for an interview.
Watch Guy's face as the interviewer introduces him as an expert. It's one of the funniest things I think I've ever seen.
Totally pissed off at the terrible safety record associated with the human ankle, a hurting Dean Chesterman declared a recall on his body.
"it's a walking disaster" Mr. Chesterman said as he mailed the Recall Notice to the intelligent designer, "I can't get through today without pain killers for my ankle, and the ID who cannot be named said I was so perfectly designed for bipedal locomotion!"
So far the list of safety issues include, a twisted ankle, torn knee ligaments, back spasms, hip arthritis, and general pain and swelling. All these issues are directly attributed to an incompetent intelligent designer, who did not fully test or even fully design the human body for walking. Mr. Chesterman's complaint started when he has twelve and has continued on and off over the last 35 years.
" Even FORD has learn to not release a Pinto without testing, but the ID who can not be named just never learns! Its incompetent clearly and the recall hopefully will resolve some of the issues."
Asked about his chances of success, Mr. Chesterman responded, "I've been praying for an improved prostate for 20 years and that hasn't happened, so the next steps have got to be through the courts."
I had to listen very closely in order to tell, but his answer to the question "are you surprised at the verdict?" is, more or less, "well, I'm very surprised you're asking me about that verdict because it's not at all what I was expecting." There's another point in the interview where he tries to throw the woman a clue that she has the wrong Guy, but she never picks up on it.
I agree that he did a wonderful job under the circumstances, and his verbal footwork is amusing. But the absolutely irresistible part is right at the beginning, in the expression on his face at the moment he realizes what has happened.
I just checked your link, Modulous, and unfortunately it's very dark and difficult to see Guy's face at the best moment. Try this alternate youtube link which is much clearer (at least until it gets taken down).
Ohmigod! The expression on his face just as the first question is being asked is priceless!!!
His answer to the first question is, "I'm very surprised to see this verdict to come on me because I was not expecting that, when I came they told me something else, and I'm <unintelligible> so a big surprise anyway."
A 1st grade class goes outside for recess, and when the come inside the teacher stands up and says "OK everyone, what did you all do for recess?" Billy stands up and tells the teacher about playing in the sand-box. The teacher says "OK Billy, if you can spell 'sand', I'll give you a cookie!" ...so Billy spells sand and gets a cookie.
Then Mike stands up and says that he played with Billy in the sand-box. The teacher says "OK Mike, if you can spell 'box', I'll give YOU a cookie, too!" ... so Mike spells box and gets a cookie.
Then Muhammed stands up and says that he tried to play with Billy and Mike, but they threw sand at him. He tried to play on the swings, but they threw rocks and dirt. The teacher says "Oh my, Muhammed... that sounds like blatant racial discrimination! Tell you what. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a cookie."
DISCLAIMER: I don't really believe any of this. I'm just so sick of seeing that anorexic bitch on TV and I thought this might be a fun way of dealing with it.
Hmmm. I don't know what Coulter said, maybe I should read back in this thread. I checked her book out of the library a while back, but it was just a screed and I gave it up after a chapter or two - blatant bias is boring whether you agree with it or not.
I have an eclectic set of political views that defy classification, but it doesn't seem like it would be much effort to be equally biased and unfunny about liberals, so I'll give it a try. I wonder how close these are to Coulterisms:
Liberals love everyone, including women and children, old people and young people, black people and white people, peaceniks and terrorists, pacifists and rapists, Nobel prize winners and especially murderers on death row.
Liberals hate all war, especially if it's to prevent genocide in remote regions at the hands of ruthless dictators.
The only civil rights liberals care about are the ones about collecting public money for not working.
Liberals believe that if money is being made, something illegal must be going on.
Liberals want you to ignore your religion but to live by the golden rule anyway.
Liberals criticize Israel because they can't remember Santa Anna or even World War II.
The only children of privilege liberals care about are those who have committed sex crimes.
Disclaimer: I don't believe any of this, either, just striving for balance.