A friend sent this to me and I thought it was hilarious.
Subject: AMERICAN COASTOPIA
>
> American Coastopia!
> 11/2/04
>
> Ladies and gentlemen, you needn't fret anymore. We have decided that
> we can't live in the United States anymore, because so many of you
> in the "heartland" are so full of shit. We were all going to move to
> various other countries, but then we thought - why should WE move?
>
> We are tired of rednecks in Oklahoma picking the leader who will
> determine if it is safe for us to cross the Brooklyn Bridge. We are
> sick of homophobic knuckle-draggers in Wyoming contributing to the
> national debate on our gay marriages. So we have done the only thing
> we could.
>
> We seceded. May I present to you: AMERICAN COASTOPIA.
>
> That's right, American Coastopia. The states of Washington, Oregon
> and California are joining us on one coast, and we will provide all
> of New England. In the middle of the country, we have taken Iowa and
> Illinois, mostly because we need the fine produce of Iowa's soil,
> and the museums in Chicago are fabulous.
>
> What's with the other dots? Oh yes, we're taking Chapel Hill and
> Durham, North Carolina too. I'm not going to live in a country
> without the Tar Heels. (And Duke? You're being moved to Greensboro,
> just like Wake Forest was. Sorry! Assholes.)
>
> The other dot is New Orleans, which you don't deserve. American
> Coastopia needs a place to gamble, and the locals want nothing to do
> with you.
>
> Sure, you can visit, but it isn't part of your country anymore.
>
> I can sense your worry. Who will get all the banks? You can fucking
> have most of them, because we're taking downtown and midtown
> Manhattan back, turning the whole thing into a giant artist colony replete
> with movie studios and progressive think tanks. Wall Street and other
> financial institutions will be relocated to Charlotte, which we
> believe will suit your needs better. Frankly, the good folks in
> Manhattan are sick of being a terrorist target for your benefit.
>
> A word about our politics. Abortions will be safe and legal in
> American Coastopia, and homosexual men and women will be free to
> marry at their discretion. We will have our own currency, and trade with
> any countries we want. Everyone will have health care. Everyone will
> have an identity card. Homelessness and unemployment will be virtually
> unknown. We believe in a meritocracy and a huge chasm between church and
> state. 100% of our cars will be hybrid by 2006.
>
> Yes, we're taking all the people that ever created everything
> beautiful. Yes, we're taking all the funny people too. All the
> sculptors, architects, surgeons, philosophers, violinists and fishermen.
> You should have treated them better when you had them.
>
> We have no pledge of allegiance, but I can say this: I am no longer
> from your United States of America. I belong to American Coastopia,
> the United States of My Friends, the Nation of Two: my wife and I. We hold
> our noses as we fly over you. We are sickened by the way you treat people
> that are different from you. The rest of the world despises America,
> and we don't want to be lumped in with you anymore.
>
> Please, all of you who went to bed last night sick with worry, come
> to us. In American Coastopia, the light is always on, the hazelnut
> latts are always hot, and we have a trundle bed for each and every one
> of you.
This message has been edited by schrafinator, 11-07-2004 11:03 AM
{Topic title fixed. "Aoastopia" is now "Coastopia". - AM}
This message has been edited by Adminnemooseus, 11-07-2004 11:32 AM
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