Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that there is, in fact, a God. And not just any old God, but an elderly man, with a long white beard, who sounds a bit like James Mason. His thought process is at least superficially comparable to a human's, and he watches over all of His Creation, taking an active (if at times mysterious) hand in its development.
The question I have, given this scenario, is why God would care that little Jimmy Highschoolboy touches himself at night.
It's a big universe, and Jimmy is one boy, on a tiny planet, on the far end of a single galaxy. Meanwhile, God still hasn't managed to get around to licking that whole entropy thing. In the course of running all of Creation, how can it be that God's priorities include getting all pissed off that Jimmy thought a little too long about his lab partner Suzie while he was in the shower?
Is it even possible that, for a being who can't help but see the Big Freakin' Picture, little Jimmy's self-abuse is even an issue?
"I know some of you are going to say 'I did look it up, and that's not true.' That's 'cause you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut."
-Stephen Colbert