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And on top of that there are girls who are just really bad in bed. I knew two more that fit the above description and they thought that was supposed to be sex, they lay there while guy pumps away. I was totally blown away.
So yeah, MEN ARE NOT MINDREADERS. A woman has to make clear what she does and does not want. Is this some extremely odd thing to expect?
I seriously doubt that a relationship that started out perfectly normal and turned into that wouldn't be noticed. I find it hard to understand how you can believe such a thing.
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Well it depends on what you mean by threatening. If you meant he just LOOKED scary, then yeah he didn't rob you, you'd be both a coward and an idiot.
I think I'm starting to see part of the problem here. You're assertive and unfraid. Not everyone is like that. I certainly am not, and my partner is worse. I at least have the advantage of physical size (I'm fairly tall). My partner is just average - 5'6". Picture a 6 1/2 muscular tall guy in comparison to a nonmuscular 5'6" woman. It's the equivalent, for your average man, of having a 7'2" weightlifter confront you. Now take the testosterone-aggrivated "fight or flight" reflex out of the victim, and I hope you can understand what it's like.
If a person like that had me cornered on a subway and said "give me your money", I'd be terrified. I seriously doubt I'd have the nerve to say "I don't want to give you my money." He might have a knife. Or a gun. I wouldn't want to find out. And I'm taller than most women.
It is the exact same sort of thing when there is a woman who is completely outmatched in terms of pysical size with an intimidating boyfriend. You fear for your safety. It's one thing to get raped, but its another thing to get raped and beaten. Call it defeatest, but in a way, it's realistic.
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I find this line of argument odd from someone against Bush's invasion of Iraq. Essentially he is using the argument Saddam looked scary and made demands on us (and allies) so we had to take him out as if the threat was real.
Not really. Bush's stance was that of the robber: Go over, make demands on them, and take what you want.
Even if Saddam *had* been making demands on us (which he hadn't), your analogy would be correct if the US was *giving in* to the demands. The "fighting back" concept is precisely *not* what is going on in the described situation.
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Blanking out means nothing. No offense, but if she said nothing and was too afraid to break up (despite no actual violence or clear threats of violence) then it was her victimizing herself. She lengthened a bad situation in order to avoid the potential (real or not) for some actual violation or assault to occur.
Once again, are you trying to claim that he had no knowledge, for months? I find this a rather crazy concept, of something so severely affecting his SO that she would have trouble even confiding it to me months after we started dating, and meanwhile she's off in a different world when he's having sex with her, and not speaking with him, completely different from how their relationship used to be?
And again, this is a bare minimum. I don't know if she ever put up a struggle and failed, or said anything or not; we're just going on the bare minimum here, for the sake of argument.
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I do believe that sexually abusing someone while they are unconscious (other than having brutally injured them into that state during the attempt) is different than rape.
Why? Why do you insist on narrowing the definition of the term, instead of specifying other cases? This certainly was completely horrible for her.
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I wasn't trying to imply your gf was anything like these other girls.
I wasn't meaning to suggest that you were implying that.
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I would say she shouldn't be coming close to using the word rape.
She didn't. I did (and I said "in a way", not "yes", recall). Did I ever say that she said "rape"?
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But I could always play unfair with you and start asking you how YOU know what the truth is.
And that would be a really low blow, now wouldn't it?
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You already said she hasn't shared everything.
I said I didn't press her on everything. There's a difference. She was crying too hard; I didn't want to make it worse.
She's a lousy actor. She knows it, and I know it. Her skills at convincing people are quite poor (while I tend to ace interviews, she does awful; I once overheard her on a phone interview tell the interviewer that she'd rather not have a job in which she has to work with people(!)). She once had a door-to-door sales job, and didn't sell a single thing. Furthermore, she never asks for anything. IF I had any complaints about her, it'd be that she's too passive and honest.
We were in bed, and were talking about past relationships, and I could tell she was having trouble talking about that particular boyfriend, so I pressed for more information. I probably should have stopped sooner, not later as you seem to prefer.
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My guess is it's much higher. I never reported my experience (even as a sexual assault). I think Pink Sasquatch here at EvC said he never reported his and knew others that had not. I have yet to meet any guy that has reported it. This is definitely NOT a culture where such a thing gets accepted.
In general statistics, 2 in three rapes aren't reported. Thinking back to the people I know... the friend never reported his cousin, my former partner never reported either of hers, the friend in the car accident did have it reported (I'm pretty sure), and I don't think that my friend who was raped recently reported it (although I don't know for sure). So that's about 4 in 5 going unreported.
There's a lot of reasons why people don't report rapes. Social shame, a feeling of powerlessness, fear of retribution by the assailant, and even fear of the potential actions of friends/family members upon finding out, are a few.
Most women don't report rapes, either. I see no reason to expect that men would have a lower rate of reporting as a whole - certainly, there is more social shame, but I'd argue less fear of retribution (there's less fear in general among men). However, of reported rapes, the last time I looked at the numbers for the US, it was 91% Male->Female; 8% Male->Male; 0.8% Female->Female; and 0.2% Female->Male.
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There is power in the term rape which people want to use, even if innocently and indirectly, to heighten the gravity of their experience
Seing as she didn't use the term - and heck, I hardly even did - I'd say that this one belongs in your imagination.
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I'm not looking for black and white, comparable to good and evil. I am looking for clear definitions of what people are experiencing.
And I'm looking at the dictionary and legal definitions.
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I would say that rape is the crime of forcing sex AGAINST the will of a recipient, not merely on an unwilling or unresisting recipient.
AGAINST the will = unwilling. That's what unwilling means; it's the definition. And I'm not arguing for "unresisting" - I'm arguing for unwilling, whether actively resisting or not, so long as the perpetrator knows that the victim is unwilling.
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It is precisely because sexual activity is many shades of grey that I think appropriate definitions are required to gradually reach the stage of rape.
But rape is not a narrowly defined term!
That's my problem with your attempt to make it one.
I also find it rather interesting that you refuse to use it in your own case. Why? You don't need to go into details about your case, but is there a reason why you particularly don't want to use that term? Do you find a sense of shame in using that term about yourself? Because it seems you've encountered social stigma about your case (such as your example of the women that you talked to), so it sounds like that's part of the reason. Perhaps I'm just reading too much into this - and if I am, I sincerely apologize.
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illuminate me."
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