Carroll vs Hambre - Peanut Gallery

[Companion thread to Who's the Class Clown thread, a battle of wits and mockery between Dan Carroll and MrHambre.]Like any good debate, it is most appropriate to allow the protagonists free rein to go at it without interference. That means you, Rei. On the other hand, it is fundamentally unfair to disallow cheap shots, quibbles, insults, side comments, snide comments, etc on the part of those who must be witness to the event. Hence the invention of the companion peanut gallery thread. This thread is formally opened to allow all of the above, plus thrown bottles, rocks, popcorn, etc.I'll begin by offering a completely unsolicited and utterly subjective analysis of the current state of play in MHambre's "Class Clown" thread as of this writing.Hambre: The Inestimable Esteban begins with a well-planned, fast-paced opening salvo which bid fair to ending the contest before it had really begun. Unfortunately, he allowed his erudition to get in the way of his humor, making most of the second and subsequent posts irritatingly incomprehensible. In addition, his attempt to side-step the monkey feces issue did not advance his credibility. Does this mean he has no effective counter? Finally, this reviewer finds that the undisguised appeal to comedic authority (referencing Brad McFall) is close to a foul.Caroll: Well-attuned to the "gritty realism" style of combat comedy, and unwilling to allow Hambre to set the tone, Monkey-Man Dan came out swinging in his initial post and effectively defined the boundaries of the debate. However, his initial impetus - especially the nearly-unanswerable monkey feces quip - was severly degraded by the almost-invariably fatal error of using the word "poncey" in a sentence. He also appears to be falling into Hambre's trap by over-intellectualizing. I mean, c'mon, how many true neo-realist comedians even KNOW about "Salome" and Noel Coward? Finally, Dan lost nearly a full half-point in technical merit by the unwarranted introduction of a (very shaky) Dennis Miller emulation.Score at Day One:Hambre: style: 5.5; technical merit: 5.2 (due to a low score by the Soviet judge who has a thing for monkeys)Carroll: style: 5.65; technical merit: 4.9 (stay away from Dennis Miller). [Added link at top. --Admin][This message has been edited by Admin, 09-26-2003]

[Mighty Moose Mode]
This thread is specifically and ONLY to kibbitz on the Hambre/Carroll duel. It is NOT intended for inane off-topic posts concerning who the most mind-numbingly ignorant and/or humorous poster on EvCforum might be. Ya wanna discuss that, start your own bloody thread. Otherwise I'll...I'll...I'll push the little red button and remote detonate your computer consoles.
[/Mighty Moose Mode]PS: Mammuthus: Brad was summarily disqualified due to a secretarial error that logged his application in 6,482,514 days late. So he doesn't count. Besides, it would be "no contest"...

No, no, my friend, you misunderstand. You are merely disqualified from participation in the Great Debate thread itself due to late entry. And it wasn't even your fault - I blame Provine's secretary. Your contribution on any other thread is quite appropriate. Your post here, for example, is totally on topic albeit 95% incomprehensible. However, I think your judgement that MM Dan is leading in the debate is open to question. See below.

[Inane sportscaster blather]And the fight rages on! Yes, sports fans, Monkey Man Dan and the Inestimable Esteban continue their comedic battle of-the-facepaint for another round. And what a great day it's been!Yes, Q1, that's true. Hambre came out with a devastating rebuttal to the monkey quip, using the time honored comedic tactic of stealing the line. His sidewalk tail-painting really took the wind out of Dan's sails on that one, I want to tell you. And did you see how he neatly incorporated Dan's mother insults into his replies? The clinic line was a classic! I say Hambre still has the style point advantage.Oh, no doubt that was a good one, Q2. However, ya gotta give Carroll a huge advantage from his introduction of the Great Worldwide Hobo Conspiracy topic. Talk about comedic potential! And he's developing the topic nicely. Hambre seems to be playing right into his hands. How about Dan's "I don't think you're in on the conspiracy, Mr. Hambre. It would be like suggesting that the cow conspires with the man who eats the steak." from post 33? It's gotta rank right up there as one of the single best one-liners of the debate thus far. If Dan can keep that up, he'll go far to overcoming the huge Miller faux pas from the first day. I'd say the game is still in the air - it could go either way.Score, Day 2:Hambre: style: 5.7; technical merit: 5.65; overall: s5.6/t5.43Carroll: style: 5.6; technical merit: 5.8; overall: s5.63/t5.35Yep Q2, still too close to call. What an exciting battle of the titans! Who'd have imagined the hallowed halls of EvCforum would be resounding to the smack of pies and rush of fancy comedic footwork? My money's on Dan, though. That realist stuff is way funny. Over to you.Thanks Q1. Hambre's hanging in there with the hobos, though. And I still think his quick, lucid style will win out in the end. I wonder how long Dan can keep it up without going stale?Stay tuned, folks! This has been Q1 and Q2 bringing you the latest in the Greatest Battle on Earth! Don't miss our exciting and pointless blather in the next round! [/inane sportscaster blather]This has been a production of the Quetzal Broadcasting Company - your bird in the canopy. All rights reserved.We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

You are, of course, free to communicate with the Olympics Committee. However, they may become even more confused than normal by your complaint as they are uninvolved in this debate. Don't forget to send your "donation" when you write them, otherwise you'll quite rightly be totally ignored. The going rate for consideration of "justified complaints" is roughly the value of Lichtenstein. Go big or stay home.On the other hand, your complaint on the Caroll-Hambre debate concerning the Brad disqualification should be addressed to the International Council of Annoying and Irritating Comedians, or ICAIC (pronounced "eye-cake"), 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, DC, USA. ICAIC accepts donations as low as the value of your average small Pacific Island - say, Tahiti - so they're really a much better deal. OTOH, if you really want a positive outcome, try offering them New Zealand. I've heard it can help.As to your spurious allegations concerning bias on the part of QBN, you'll be hearing from our attorneys in the morning. Have a nice day."QBN - We don't just report the news, we invent it!"

Dear Mr. Mammuthus,Your offer of exotic sexual favors, no matter how intriguing, will avail you nothing. We don't change our opinions for mere speculative considerations. If there's any second-guessing or double dealing in which to engage, we prefer to initiate it ourselves.* After all, we have a reputation to maintain.Concerning your allegations of bias contained in your previous letter: In the first place, since none of our broadcasters, affiliates or the employees of our famous chain of sexy pet-toy stores (ad motto: "Help your dog put on the dog."), speaks German, your assertion that they couldn't write the caption for some German-language periodical which only puts naked women on the cover to entice poor slobs to buy the rag in the first place (it's not as though there's any follow-through inside, after all - or even more pictures) is largely irrelevant.In the second place, your slanderous comments inre a "Dan bias" in the coverage by our outstanding unpaid trainee broadcasters is completely without foundation. If you had a minimum mathematical background, you would see that Hambre is in fact .08 points ahead of Carroll at this juncture. These statistics will be "exhibit A" in our lawsuit. As we are being represented by the international legal firm of Mostly, Mostly, Mostly and Mostly, Associates LIC, I strongly recommend you look to your defenses or retract your allegations.Finally, QBN welcomes the entry of yet another broadcasting firm into the keen competition of comedic sports media. Hopefully yours will do better than the Extreme Comedy Sports Network based out of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. Ever heard of them? No? See what I mean?Warmest regards,Dirk Mostly
President"QBN - The best news coverage money can buy. Sports figures and politicians our speciality."----------------------*On the other hand, I personally never subscribed to this. Please email additional details on the Syamasu Sutra to dirk_mostly@QBN.gov.ar . Maybe we can work something out, especially about that silly lawsuit...

Try the World Court at the Hague. They have nothing better to do. No one pays any attention to them anyway. 1) No. When I got back from my unfortunate prolonged absence, the little check box thingy was gone from the bottom of the reply-post box. I'm sure it was another great software update from our fearless and pearless Percy, and it's probably sitting in my profile thingy as a logical change to the old system. I'm simply too lazy to go check. Besides, the rainy season is ending, the fuzzy puffballs that are quetzal chicks have fledged, so the adults are up foraging in the canopy. You'd never see them this time of year anyway.2) Actually, you only lost .05, and you wouldn't have lost that if we could have found some way of translating limericks into Russian. Our monkey-loving Soviet judge Y. Andropov, crystal-channeled by QBN's very own Miss Natasha and her All Seeing Eye Dog, apparently botched the interpretation. Somehow Yuri got the impression you were making scurrilous comments about his mother and an aardvark, which although interesting conceptually is probably anatomically impossible. Yuri got so upset that he sent Natasha into convulsions and the other judges had to beat her with birch sticks until she came to her senses. Lesson learned: when a comedic combatant posts a limerick, lie to the Russians. It won't happen again, I promise.

I really hate to be the one to disabuse you of your self-delusions, Daniel-san, but QBN doesn't depend on your parochial FCC. We are a Nicaraguan corporation with a Lebanese charter. Our state-of-the-art satellite uplink system is located in beautiful downtown Yerevan, Armenia, home to some of the finest copyright pirates on the planet. We have additional re-broadcast stations scattered around several Third World countries and local autonomous regions, some of whose names can't be rendered in English, and are in fact unpronounceable to native speakers of that language. Our highly sophisticated frequency-hopping broadcasts, based on Japanese upgrades of former top line Soviet equipment greatfully sold, errr donated, by a deposed politburo member, also renders any attempt at jamming by anything less sophisticated than the full power of the National Security Agency completely pointless.On the other hand, whereas to the best of our knowledge the upstart HAX News is also not subject to your pitiful US regulations, once we locate their transmitter you won't have to worry about them. Just us. Welcome to the cutthroat world of broadcast journalism.

Yes, irrelevant. Whatever the Germans may or may not have invented, someone else actually patented it and improved it - from V2 rockets to sex toys (although I admit a hausfrau with a sex toy boggles the mind), Germany has had a poor history of making money off its inventions. Except beer, and even there the Aussies went waay better. Hell, even the Ukrainians make better beer, and that's saying a lot.However, the fact remains that since no one on staff speaks German, your question about whether they could write a German caption is moot. As to how saucy the Bild Zeitung may or may not be, if it's anything like Stern or Der Speigel, then I can be fairly sure there's almost nothing racy inside. All of 'em have naked women on the front. Not one provides anything more. Our "racy magazines" research department searches the entire world for the best and naughtiest. After all, what else do you think they have to do in Yerevan? Mostly, Mostly, etc is a well-run family firm with a 300-year-long history of outstanding work, including toppling dictatorships, bribing government officials, fomenting and/or sustaining revolutions and rebellions (so as to increase family holdings in weapons manufacturing). Sort of like the American CIA only actually effective at it. And btw, greatgrandfather James Mostly really did create a lounge act from molten rocks over a hundred years ago. Unfortunately, due to the ensuing explosion no one ever did figure out how he did it. Ever hear of Krakatoa? The only way we know he succeeded was a partially burned page from his personal diary found embedded in a piece of floating pumice that washed up near Mombasa two years later. Lol. Who do you think emptied the vault in the first place? The body was sold to a collector in Monrovia. Unfortunately, last we heard, during the civil war when Sammy Doe was deposed somebody ate it. You'll just have to take my word for it. Sorry.

[Sent by: Shyster Mail Forwarding Service, San Diego, CA]Dear Mr. Garabedian,I am most deeply sorry to have to inform you that the company you wish to obtain redress from, Quetzal Broadcasting Network and Frozen Food Logistics, L.L.C., ceased operations on 1 January, 2000. Chapter 11 protections were filed at the 2ieme Cours d'Assises, Grand Riviere, Martinique, Department d'Outre Mer, 01033 France on 31 December 1999. All listed creditors of the company were posted on the courthouse bulletin board, and were thereby informed they had 30 days from date of filing to present their claims in person at the court. According to our records, your company was included on that list. It is of course unfortunate that your company failed to take advantage of this offer. At this late remove, it is unlikely any of the heirs or assigns of the original corporation can be found, and in any event the statute of limitations has expired.It should be noted that the address to which you mailed your letter is the premises of the firm Quetzal Broadcasting Network and Pet-Toys, S.A., which corporation has no legal or other connection to the former Quetzal Broadcasting Network and Frozen Food Logistics, L.L.C. other than a vague similarity of names. Mr. Tavush Gegharkunik, QBN chief of security in Yerevan, has indicated a willingness to discuss this apparent misunderstanding with any of your staff who might still have questions on this issue.I regret any inconvenience this may have caused Garabedian Rentals. Please accept the expression of my deepest appreciation and best wishes.Sheila Mostly
Legal Secretary
Mostly, Mostly, Mostly and Mostly, Associates, LIC

Managua
30 September 2003Most Reverend Juan Ashcroft
Procurator-General
Estados Unidos de America
Washington, DCDear Sir,It is with deepest concern I view your missive of 29 Sep coriente wherein you threaten with durance vile and subsequent execution the president and founder of one of our more successful corporate ventures. Although not a citizen of our country, Sr. Quetzal is a valued businessman who has made great contribution to the Nicaraguan government. Some our more superstitious campesinos even consider him the avatar of the ancient god quetzalcoatl of our people. We are, of course, actively attempting to repress such un-Christian sentiments. We extend to you an invitation to witness an example of this next Thursday on the grounds of the new cathedral.Despite Sr. Quetzal's actual whereabouts being unknown to me, my government would look with great disfavor on any attempts at extradition. Any efforts to carry out the threats in your message would entail the gravest consequences.On a more positive note, the other miscreant you mention, a Sr. Mammuthus, is known to be residing in Munich, Germany, which nation has an extradition treaty with yours. The Government of Nicaragua would be happy to support your extradition request if you desire.Please accept the expression of our best wishes.Sincerely,Luis Jose Maria Santiago de Coronado y Cordoba
Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs and Defense
Gobierno de Nicaragua
Presidential Palace
Managua

A QBN ExclusiveKatima Mulilo - Caprivi Free State
30 September 2003; QBNA ground breaking meeting was held today between the heads of comedy sports media giants HAX News and the Quetzal Broadcasting Network. After a four-hour, closed-door session in the sweltering capitol of this southern African pseudo-nation, an unprecedented agreement was apparently reached between the two companies. According to HAX News spokesperson and local anchor Mr. Ovibos Moschatus, who read a joint communique before an enthralled audience of two idlers and a goat, the media moguls have agreed to consolidate their comedic sports reporting - especially their coverage of the world famous Carroll-Hambre debate. Mr. Moschatus noted that there were still some thorny issues to address, notably concerning "some guy named McFall", the companies have agreed to equally share concession and advertising revenues from the broadcast debate. Rumor has it that other, unspecified details to the agreement were also decided during the meeting. Although unconfirmed, sources close to the two executives indicate that there may have been an exchange of gifts including a "squeaky sniffer" dog toy and a well-thumbed copy of a back issue of Bild Zeitung. Other arrangements may also have been made.A hastily-arranged anti-monopolist demonstration was staged in the nearby town of Rundu, Namibia to protest this agreement. Eyewitnesses report that the two dozen protestors appeared to be dressed in old, dirty clothing and wore colored wigs and plastic noses. SWAPO security forces dispersed the demonstrators peacefully when it was found they were in violation of civil ordinances against "parading without a license" and "wearing funny clothes". QBN is seeking an interview with one of the two known survivors. Stay tuned for further developments.-------In related news---------Washington, DC - USA
September 30; AFPIn a surprising move today, Nicaraguan Ambassador to the United States Carlos J. Ulvert Sanchez announced his country was formally withdrawing its support for the attempted extradition of M. Primogenius from Germany. According to Embassy spokesperson Daniella Mostly, the change came about because "it was found that Mr. Mammuthus had in fact been deceased for over 4500 years." Ms. Mostly went on to add that this retraction had nothing whatsoever to do with the recently announced agreement between HAX News and QBN. "It is ludicrous to imply that a sovereign nation such as Nicaragua would be unduly influenced in its diplomacy by the actions of any commercial enterprise." When pressed by reporters, Ms. Mostly snapped, "He's extinct, okay? That's it. Tell Mr. Ashcroft that he died in the Flood. He'll get that part."

Good morning sports fans, and welcome to another blow-by-blow wrap up of the Great Carroll-Hambre Debate, brought to you by QBN, makers of the world-famous line of sexy pet toys. Rover not interested? Tomcat not prowling? Gerbil showing signs of impotence? We've got the product for you!Well, Q2, it's been a pretty slow day in the debate. Both sides appear exhausted, and have contented themselves with unmemorable one-liners and uninspired insults. Although Monday began with a couple of great trades on the old hobo track, with Hambre waaay ahead in style points - especially with his Fox news blurbs - by Tuesday he was reduced to the comedic equivalent of calling Carroll a "poopoo head". Carroll seems unable to come up with any strategy as winning as his hobo tactic, and seems unwilling to continue with that line as well.Yeah, Q1, pretty lame all around. I still think Carroll is merely playing it cagey, and will come up with a devastating line of attack any moment. He's deliberately not giving Hambre any ammunition while he works up his game plan. That was really obvious around post 47, when Dan just sort of let the hand drop and started reading his newspaper. Hambre flailed around a bit, and that's when the "poopoo head" comments started. Brilliant strategy. Hambre came out looking like a loser with that pitiful Carroll send-up. You just wait and see what Dan's got in mind.Okay Q2, I'll take your word for it. But if Dan gets any more transparent in his tactics, he'll be invisible. I don't think either of us needs to comment on the way they both had to rip off that other thread for ideas - like the letters?Nope, Q1, you called it. Let's recap the best lines from this round:Carroll, from post 45: "Hambre... gay jokes are a privelidge. Not a right."Hambre, unfortunately, had two superlative lines that were ruled out of play by the judges: "I've seen mosquitoes with more staying power." was ruled out because it had been used on another thread. Priority of claim will need to be established, but it is believed that the use in the Debate post-dates the other.The second, thoroughly brilliant, vintage Hambre, was also ruled out of play, "Not since Kingsley Amis's waning days have I read such a complex, intriguing display of an artist’s lack of imagination as I did when I read all your messages in the Class Clown thread. Your admirable refusal to use humor in this forum indicates a serious purpose. Your simple, almost retarded prose is a refreshing change from the posts elsewhere at EvC, where people flaunt their verbal skills and wit quite brazenly. It’s fascinating to read posts like yours, where the tedium is uninterrupted by gaudy displays of intelligence." This post was disqualified as it was written by a third person rather than a contestant, and thus cannot officially be attributed to Hambre.General statsThe judges have determined to withhold scores pending actual humor being employed on the thread. It was agreed that if scores were to be recorded for the last two days efforts, both contestants would be severly penalized and overall statistics would have dropped both below the 4.0 average automatic disqualification point. Besides, no one's been able to find the St. Helena or San Marino judges since yesterday.This has been Q1 and Q2 bringing you the latest news, sports and commentary. Tune in again at 16h30 GMT, when QBN broadcasts it's newest sports feature, Caprivan Ox Baiting.Don't forget your pets!Be sure to tune in to our partner HAX News' continuing coverage."QBN - You state it. We distort it. They believe it. That's it."

Dear Mr. Powell,Thank you so much for the beautiful postcard showing the fireworks display. Is that from a norteamericano Independence Day celebration? Although I don't quite understand the dossier reference, no doubt from my lack of facility in your language, it is always a great pleasure to hear from our friendly neighbors to the north.I have wonderful news to share with you! As you know, Nicaragua is the largest country in Centroamerica, but with only 4 million population. Our tiny population vs great land area has long been a source of problems for our economic development, and has contributed to mucho instability and misunderstandings in the past. We would like you to be one of the first to know we have signed a new agreement with the People's Republic of China that will go far to overcoming these shortfalls. Beginning tomorrow, nearly 10 million surplus inhabitants of the People's Republic will start immigrating to Nicaragua to assist in our economic development. We have been told these immigrants include the full TO&E complements of the 33d Armored and 54th Mechanized Shock Armies and their families. Isn't this wonderful? Moreover, the People's Republic sent a gift to seal the bargain of 18 Dong Feng-31's. We are overwhelmed at the generosity of such a warm hearted nation.We hope you will join us in welcoming these Chinese visitors to our shores.Looking forward to our further correspondance.Warmest regards,Luis Jose Maria Santiago de Coronado y Cordoba
Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs and Defense
Gobierno de Nicaragua
Presidential Palace
Managua

There was a topic? Anyhow, since a) no one except I, Mammuthus, and yer honorable self have seen fit to comment on the debate (after WK's critique of the Miller emulation on page 1), and b) it's in the FFA, we might as well have some fun with it at Hambre/Carroll's expense - assuming we're not looking at disk limitations. Honestly, I think the thread has had a positive effect on the actual debate, 'tho it's probably too soon to tell. See Dan's most recent post after learning that BOTH contestants were losing. Going back to his comedic roots" will hopefully jumpstart the actual comedy... I was getting addicted to the daily dosage - until Hambre devolved into the "poopoo head" stuff and Dan started reading his newspaper.