Carroll vs Hambre - Peanut Gallery

However, Quetzal has overlooked the dark horse entry into this contest, Brad McFall himself ,who with his usual concise wit lay Mr. Hambre and Dan Caroll bleeding and helpless on the restroom floorMr. Hambre 5.1 (the extra 0.1 point given via bribe of the French judge by the Russians)Dan Caroll 5.0 (the Dennis Miller reference really did hurt his cause)Brad McFall 6.0 (due to his late entry all judges had consumed far to many of the free beverages offered by the olympic committee who were lobbying to place the 2012 Olympics in some craphole like Leipzig)

Using such criteria, Wise would be strongly challenged by Syamsu.

I am still miffed at the inadvertant disqualification of Mr. McFall and have the IOC committee for accepting bribes looking into the matter...I can conclude without looking at any of the facts (like a creationist) that the French are guilty but will go through the entire proceedings just to give my impending commentary a thin veneer of legitimacy. I will then proceed to use words like "outrageous" and "scandalous" in strange fonts in bold text to clearly show the validity of my opinions. I will also lambaste the clearly pro Dan skewed commentary of the Fox ate the Quetzal News Network commentators who are clearly trying to bias the public against Brad

I can offer them way more than the value of some petty small pacific island or a small country full of a bunch of rich beer drinking yodeling German speaking central europeans with a name that sounds like somebody licked a rock. I will go big and offer them the sexual favors of Syamsu who's exotic "wet penis wet vagina" (which I assume is accompanied by some kind of rythmic dancing )theory of natural selection may be highly favored by both the olympic committee and the current residents of Penn Ave...though the former resident of Penn Ave was certainly a great fan as well.The QBN represents the typical Dan-leaning media and those two journalistic hacks Q1 and Q2 are not fit to write the caption under the topless girl of the Bild Zeitung much less comment on the titans of this wonderful sport. I will fund a new news network, the HAX New Network and contract Pill O'LIEly to give a fair AND balanced look at the issues...only then will it become clear that the true winner and only acceptable choice to a true patriotic american (not those other guys who disagree with us like French people) is Brad.

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With what international committee do I have to file a formal complaint that this thread is a damn sight funnier than the one it's supposed to be commenting on?

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I would recommend filing with the U.N. except that the French will surly vote against you with the support of Germany and the Russians and then the U.S. and Brits will have to continue the thread regardless at taxpayer expense.If you want a more satisfactory resolution you could perhaps register your complaint with the Semi-Meiotic Theory Propagandists. If you can convince Salty that you agree with him you will also have Grasse, Berg, and a lot of other dead people to back you up... and since they are dead you cannot argue with them so you will win by default.If you need legal counseling please consult ten-sai/appletoast/ lawdog since he does KNOW what EVIDENCE is and you don't...you can find him in the phonebook...just look him up under his name...it's right there next to the add for Inflatable Dates. I can vouch for his legal skills. The minor traffic incident of mine that you reported on in The Great Debate would have resulted in a stern warning and a suspended sentence. But thanks to lawdogs intervention I was charged with the more heinous crime of Failure to Yield the Semmelknoedel which carries a sentence of five hours of high volume Schlager Musik...I can hear, Hansi Hinterseer even as I type throbbing in my ears...oh the agony.[This message has been edited by Mammuthus, 09-29-2003]

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In the first place, since none of our broadcasters, affiliates or the employees of our famous chain of sexy pet-toy stores (ad motto: "Help your dog put on the dog."), speaks German, your assertion that they couldn't write the caption for some German-language periodical which only puts naked women on the cover to entice poor slobs to buy the rag in the first place (it's not as though there's any follow-through inside, after all - or even more pictures) is largely irrelevant.

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Ha, irrelevant you say. The German's invented sex pet toys just like they invented the automobile, Zeppelins, airplanes, and Schlager Musik, and stern looks (or at least that is what it says at the Deutsches Museum). What kind of hack investigative journalists do you hire at the QBN? Have you actually ever turned the first page of the Bild Zeitung to see whether their is follow through or not? I don't think so and that is why your network is going down like an New York or Italian electrical grid.

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In the second place, your slanderous comments inre a "Dan bias" in the coverage by our outstanding unpaid trainee broadcasters is completely without foundation. If you had a minimum mathematical background, you would see that Hambre is in fact .08 points ahead of Carroll at this juncture. These statistics will be "exhibit A" in our lawsuit. As we are being represented by the international legal firm of Mostly, Mostly, Mostly and Mostly, Associates LIC, I strongly recommend you look to your defenses or retract your allegations.

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Motly, Mostly, Mostly, and Mostly, Associates LIC...I laugh and damage testicular tissue in the process at your hiring such a weak firm. I am represented by Ten-sai, Appletoast, and Lawdog, Ambulance Chasers Ltd. You call exhibit A evidence! Do you know what evidence is? I don't but lawdog does and he will not tell you and your case will be thrashed in the court of mockery. My representatives will show that your evidence of an 0.08 point lead by Mr. Hambre is just as unlikely as molten rocks turning into lounge acts at the Holiday Inn in Toronto....yeah, I can already hear the rendition of Guns N Roses Welcome to the Jungle playing on a Yamaha keyboard with the drums set to jazz.

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Finally, QBN welcomes the entry of yet another broadcasting firm into the keen competition of comedic sports media. Hopefully yours will do better than the Extreme Comedy Sports Network based out of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. Ever heard of them? No? See what I mean?

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Ah you won't think our entry is so funny when we leave the QBN standing like Giraldo Rivera in front of Al Capone's vault!HAX News Network- If it's fit to lie about, we'll do it in Helvetica font![This message has been edited by Mammuthus, 09-29-2003]

Thank you Mr. Berlusconi

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Yes, irrelevant. Whatever the Germans may or may not have invented, someone else actually patented it and improved it - from V2 rockets to sex toys (although I admit a hausfrau with a sex toy boggles the mind), Germany has had a poor history of making money off its inventions. Except beer, and even there the Aussies went waay better. Hell, even the Ukrainians make better beer, and that's saying a lot.

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Ha, you yet again reveal your lack of journalistic rigor by failing to make the obvious connection between the poor financial discipline of German inventors and beer consumption. You think it is easy to do quality management and control of a large scale sex toy operation when you are seeing double and your shoes reek of vomitted Leberkaese and obatzda? And poor Helmut the other day thought he was having a lovely affair with a Hausfrau but when he sobered up it turned out to be Angela Merkel..the sterility treatments are not going well but we have high hopes that he will recover.

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However, the fact remains that since no one on staff speaks German, your question about whether they could write a German caption is moot. As to how saucy the Bild Zeitung may or may not be, if it's anything like Stern or Der Speigel, then I can be fairly sure there's almost nothing racy inside. All of 'em have naked women on the front. Not one provides anything more. Our "racy magazines" research department searches the entire world for the best and naughtiest. After all, what else do you think they have to do in Yerevan?

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Your racy magazines research department is poplated by hacks ( I may be required to poach them from you myself). You can be fairly sure there is nothing racy inside of Der Spiegel? How about the photo spread on the Damen Unterwasche in der DDR? I have not seen so many bushes since my parachute accident on the Crawford ranch!

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Mostly, Mostly, etc is a well-run family firm with a 300-year-long history of outstanding work, including toppling dictatorships, bribing government officials, fomenting and/or sustaining revolutions and rebellions (so as to increase family holdings in weapons manufacturing). Sort of like the American CIA only actually effective at it. And btw, greatgrandfather James Mostly really did create a lounge act from molten rocks over a hundred years ago. Unfortunately, due to the ensuing explosion no one ever did figure out how he did it. Ever hear of Krakatoa? The only way we know he succeeded was a partially burned page from his personal diary found embedded in a piece of floating pumice that washed up near Mombasa two years later.

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Your petty legal lounge act does not scare me. Lawdog assures me he has evidence and he promised me that next time we talk he will definitely absolutely give me the other address to his office so we can finally meet. The last time I must have written it down incorrectly as I walked all over the Cayman Islands for a week and could not find the listed address.

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Lol. Who do you think emptied the vault in the first place? The body was sold to a collector in Monrovia. Unfortunately, last we heard, during the civil war when Sammy Doe was deposed somebody ate it. You'll just have to take my word for it. Sorry.

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I have to respect that. Anyone who can steal a corpse from a guy who gets his lights punched out by neo-nazi's and leftist radicals on public tv yet continues to broadcast is ok in my book.

September 30th
Somewhere in Siberia, just look for where the French guy stuck the tusks for a nice photo opRerverend Ashcroft
Washington DCDear Sir,It is with great saddness that I must inform you that a terrible accident has befallen the late director of the Hax News Network, Mr. M. primigenius weissbierensis. Approximately, 4,500 years ago, he and all memebers of his family went extinct due to the migration of German college students into Siberia looking to make the biggest Bratwurst in history. The Hax News Network has thus relocated to Albania to take advantage of the star presence of Cicciolina and will only report on the Love Party and its attempts to re-enter Italian politics in the near future.With respect for your deeply held religous sensibilities I have covered my breasts while writing this letter which is the first time I have done so in the last 15 years.Do to my special relationship with President Kuchma of the Ukraine, the famed Albanian secret service has been able to track down the whereabouts of Mr. Quetzal. We hope the enclosed photograph of him will help the Attorney General see the wisdom in ignoring the Hax News Network.With love and kisses from the Love Party
Cicciolina, Personal Secretary and Assistant of M. primigeniusMammuthus Frozen Food Emporium
I-CANT-BELIEVE-I-ATE-THE-WHOLE-THINK-DRIVE
Tirana, Albaniaenclosed satellite photo of Sr. Quetzal after his recent accident [This message has been edited by Mammuthus, 09-30-2003]

A HAX News Network Exclusive: Brad McFall driven to extremes due to punctuated equilibrium and his disqualification from the Great Debate and the exteme biased reporting of the QBNPill O' Lielly reporting:On September 29th, 2003, disqualified Great Debate contestant Brad McFall was driven into such a rage he peformed unecessary dental work using the writings of the late SJ Gould

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Gould was NEVER afraid of any word. I have a hard time getting my root canal around them all.

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His subsequent distress caused him to sustain heavy injury by communing with poulty

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I tried to get a degree to follow this kind of thought up but the chickens already ate the grain. I was left pecking at mica.

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Having been disqualified from the Great Debate and then defeated in his pursuit of a degree in higher education by chickens, this former rising star was left banging his nose on mica.This correspondent sought out expert advice on the meaning of the events. Legal expert Ten-sai offered the following

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This is evidence of a vast-Dan-wing conspiracy. And if there is one thing I know it is evidence. Ha! molten rocks to rock stars!

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For balance the Hax News Network asked revered parthenogenetic poultry expert Salty Davidson for his comment

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Grasse would agree with me but he is dead

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Expert Fred Williams who was cleaning out Dr. Salty's garbage at the time added

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I have never seen such a fairytale. All the evidence points to a conspiracy and I will prove it. But I don't have much time right now so I will come back in three or four months and pretend we never had this conversation....how do you spell tanposen, tranposon, tranpolition?..whatever

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There you have it folks. A man driven to extremes from his disqualification and legal and scientific expert testimony that the biased and incompetent reporting by the QBN is nothing but a conspiracy to prevent the true champion of the Great Debate from claiming his prize. This has been a HAX exclusive....you know we did win two Pulitzer's..or was it a Polk? Or was did I get a smiley face pasted on my sleave in kindergarten for not peeing my pants and eating the crayons?..no it was definitely a Pulitzer...or two...

This just in, in an apparent attempt by Q1 of the QBN to steal the M from McFall, the perpetrator was caught red handed. In his defense he was quoted as saying

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robel robel

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though we are not quite sure.We at Hax New Network will keep you updated on this developing story[This message has been edited by Mammuthus, 09-30-2003]

In completely unrelated news, Attorney General John Ashcroft retracted the order to arrest Sr. Quetzal and Mr. Mammuthus of QBN and Hax respectively. When asked why Mr. Ashcroft stated "Well, the one guy did'nt make it onto the Ark my sources tell me". Regarding the retraction of the arrest warrant for Sr. Quetzal, Mr. Ashcroft shockingly announced that he is leaving the Republican party to join the Love Party. Inside sources said Mr. Ashcroft attended a meeting with Hax representatives in Tirana, Albania late Monday night at the invitation of a one time porn star and member of the Italian parliament, Ms. Ciccolina to discuss the arrest warrant. Sources say heavy breathing and creaking bed springs could be heard emanating from where the meeting was being held. Oddly, Ms. Ciccolina was at a dedication ceremony for the opening of the Ron Jeremy Museum of Fecal Art several kilometers away at the time. When queried as to how Mr. Ashcroft could reconcile his religious views with an association with a former porn star Mr. Ashcroft replied "God is love, God is love".

There is no doubt about it, Messenjah is the clear winner. His witty and humorous posts put Hambre and Caroll to shame

Due to technical difficulties and the fact that all of the HAX News Network correspondents were investigating the impact of Oktoberfest beer consumption on investigative journalism quality and are therefore tired and surly, our programming will be delayed.

Hax News Network science reporting exclusive!This just in,
In what appears to have been a scientific experiment gone terribly wrong, a senior citizen in Vermont was severely injured by a flock of chickens. Sources claim he was trying to prove that the chickens were in fact the result of "semi-meiosis", a popular and radical replacement to the theory of evolution who's proponents include a candidate for governor of the state. The chickens apparently became disturbed by his prodding and inappropriate use of a thermometer and attacked the man.A spokesperson for the the hospital claimed he was in stable but comical condition and resting comfortably. He asked the public for assistance in identifying the relatives of the senior citizen and said the only clue to who they might be came from the mutterings of the patient as he drifted in and out of consiousness murmering "Grasse..Grasse!"
The hospital requests that Mr or Mrs. Grasse please contact them immdediately.Poultry expert Brad McFall said of the failed experiment "Gould's artichoke failed the electron when the chicken ate my mica"Complicating the story, witnesses say, a professor of biology and primatologist Dr. S. Page, was observed at the scene of the incident apparantely trying to confirm whether or not the senior citizen did or did not drive a red pickup truck. He was arrested by agent Moose of the Vermont ANTI-PAGE Enforcement Unit. Authorities released Page's statement "Why don't you and all the other incompetent ARN and IDiot.net losers get a clue you worthless scum" Arresting officer Moose had no comment as he was laughing too hard at Page's arrest.The defense lawyer for Dr. Page, Dr. Lawdog of Ten-sai, Zephan, Appletoast Legal Counsel and Inflatable Sex Toy Repair Service stated "this case will be won based on the evidence...none of this molten rocks to man nonesense...pure evidence...do you know what evidence is? I have a law degree..what kind of degree do you have reporter boy..get lost".We will contiue to update you as this story developes and as our correspondent's hangover dissipates...whichever comes first.This is Hax correspondent O. wardi signing off[This message has been edited by Mammuthus, 10-01-2003]