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Author Topic:   Humor Strikes back
CK
Member (Idle past 2292 days)
Posts: 3221
Joined: 07-04-2004


Message 1 of 217 (241471)
09-08-2005 6:30 PM


(We don't seem to have a general catch-all humor thread since the last one closed)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/life/feature/story/0,13026,1564371,00.html

quote:
Steven Pinker, professor in the department of psychology at Harvard University and author of The Language Instinct, How the Mind Works and The Blank Slate, suggested this:

An old Jewish man goes for a walk and, reflecting on his fortunes in life, addresses the Almighty. "Oh Lord, all my life I have been a pious man. I have kept your commandments, gone to synagogue, kept the Sabbath, been faithful to my wife. I have not asked anything in return until now. I have just one humble request. Would it be so terrible if I won the lottery?" To his astonishment, the skies darken. The clouds split, revealing a blinding light. A voice booms out from the heavens: "I'll see what I can do."

Several months pass. The man decides to address the Almighty once again. "Oh Lord, you know I have been a pious man. I have kept your commandments, gone to synagogue, kept the Sabbath, been faithful to my wife. All I asked for is to win the lottery. And still, months after speaking with you, I have still not won it." The skies darken. The clouds split. A voice booms: "Meet me halfway. Buy a ticket."


quote:
Martin Rees, Astronomer Royal and professor of cosmology and astrophysics at the University of Cambridge said: "One cartoon I like (I think it was in the New Yorker in the 1970s or earlier) has a salutary message for 'pure' scientists who get above themselves and don't appreciate technology."

A rabbit and a beaver are looking up at the Boulder Dam. The beaver is saying: "I didn't actually build it, but it's based on my idea."


quote:
Marcus du Sautoy, professor of maths at Oxford University and author of Music of the Primes:

Q: How can you spot an extrovert mathematician?
A: He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.


quote:
A man is walking in the country and comes across a shepherd with his flock. He says to him: "I am a scientist and if I can at a glance tell you exactly how many sheep you have can I have one?" The shepherd agrees and the scientist says: "423." "You are right," says the shepherd, "take one."

As he is leaving, the shepherd calls out: "If I tell you what sort of a scientist you are can I have my animal back?" "Of course,' says the scientist. "You are a theoretical biologist." "You are right. How could you know?" "You have taken my dog."


This message has been edited by CK, 08-Sep-2005 06:33 PM


  
Thor
Member (Idle past 4075 days)
Posts: 148
From: Sydney, Australia
Joined: 12-20-2004


Message 2 of 217 (241584)
09-08-2005 11:29 PM


There were two prawns named Sebastian and Christian, living in the ocean. They found it a hard life, living as prawns. Many of the oceans other creatures would happily make a quick meal of them given half a chance, so they always had to be on guard. They had to live underneath a rock where they could stay safely hidden and sneak out at night to look for food.

One night, while Sebastian and Christian were foraging around looking for something to eat, Sebastian suddenly said “You know, I’m really tired of living like this! Living under a rock, sneaking around in the dark, always afraid of being eaten.”

“But what can you do about it?” said Christian. “we’re just prawns after all.”

“I know,” said Sebastian “But I wish I was bigger and stronger, in fact I wish I was a shark. Yeah that’s it, a big shark! Not afraid of anything, being the hunter instead of the hunted! Oh, how I wish I was a shark!”

Suddenly there was a flash of light. “What was that?” they both asked in unison. Christian turned to look at Sebastian and screamed. “Sebastian! My God, you’ve turned into a shark!”

And he had, through some miracle or magic, Sebastian’s wish had come true. He swam around a bit “Wow!” he said. “I can move so fast!” He snapped his jaws together “Hey, I’ve got such big sharp teeth! I’m going to go and get some food! This is great!” he said and started having a feeding frenzy, snapping and grabbing at everything in sight. “Hey look Christian, I can eat anything I want! Ha ha!”

Christian watched his old friend with growing fear, going crazy eating everything that moved. “He’s completely nuts, he just might eat me any minute!” thought Christian, and promptly swam off back home under his rock.

Sebastian on the other hand, was ecstatic about being a shark, and started to revel in this new life he had been granted. He went wherever he wanted to and ate whatever he felt like, whenever he felt like it.

However, after a while Sebastian became bored with this new life. Sharks don’t make friends very easily and he became lonely. He missed his dear old friend Christian, and wished he could hang out with him again, but knew that Christian would not want to be near him as a shark. “Oh, woe is me!” said Sebastian, “I miss my old buddy Christian. It’s not so great being a shark. Oh, how I wish I could change back into a prawn!”

There was a flash of light. “What was that?” said Sebastian. “Wha… hey wait … hey, I’m a prawn! I’ve changed back into a prawn!” he yelled happily. Immediately he swam back to the rock where he used to live with Christian.

“Hey Christian!” he called out, “It’s me, Sebastian! I’m back old buddy”

“You go away!” Christian called back. “You became a shark and you’re going to eat me. I don’t want you around here!”

“Don’t worry,” answered Sebastian. “Everything is ok…

… I'm a prawn again Christian!”


On the 7th day, God was arrested.
Replies to this message:
 Message 3 by Brad McFall, posted 09-08-2005 11:33 PM Thor has not yet responded
 Message 25 by joshua221, posted 10-22-2005 10:15 PM Thor has not yet responded

  
Brad McFall
Member (Idle past 3197 days)
Posts: 3428
From: Ithaca,NY, USA
Joined: 12-20-2001


Message 3 of 217 (241587)
09-08-2005 11:33 PM
Reply to: Message 2 by Thor
09-08-2005 11:29 PM


good!
not bad!!
This message is a reply to:
 Message 2 by Thor, posted 09-08-2005 11:29 PM Thor has not yet responded

    
berberry
Inactive Member


Message 4 of 217 (242886)
09-13-2005 9:57 AM


Highly Biased Fun Political Game for Liberals
Apparently this game first appeared on a Sophocles blog.  It's called Who Said It: George W. Bush or Jessica Simpson?.  They played it last night on Jay Leno.  The idea is to find quotes from either of them that sound like they might just as well have come from the other.  What could be easier?  And it's fun, too!

As an example, here's a quote Jay put to a lovely random couple from the studio audience.  Who said it, George or Jessica?

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.

I'll throw out a couple more.  Feel free to add your own.

I think the film Clueless was very deep.

They misunderestimated me.


"I think younger workers first of all, younger workers have been promised benefits the government promises that have been promised, benefits that we can't keep. That's just the way it is." George W. Bush, May 4, 2005
  
berberry
Inactive Member


Message 5 of 217 (243746)
09-15-2005 9:08 AM


Damned liberal media
They just won't leave poor George alone. He can't even ask permission to go to the bathroom in private:

They act like it was all a big joke, but the poor guy really had to go! Just look at him trying to get Miss Condi's attention:

How can they be so mean?


"I think younger workers first of all, younger workers have been promised benefits the government promises that have been promised, benefits that we can't keep. That's just the way it is." George W. Bush, May 4, 2005
  
Lammy
Member (Idle past 19 days)
Posts: 3607
From: Chicago
Joined: 03-29-2004


Message 6 of 217 (245999)
09-23-2005 5:50 PM


At the end of a briefing, Rumsfeld concludes the meeting by informing Bush, "3 Brazillian soldiers just died today."

The president looks back at Rumsfeld and begins to grieve. The rest of the staff looks in amazement as the president burries his head into his hands.

Finally, the president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


My favorite quotes of the week.

I'd sooner let John Couey, C-O-U-E-Y, who raped and buried alive little Jessica, I'd sooner let him adopt kids, than turn them over to the fags and dykes! That clear enough for ya? --Fred Phelps

Yeah, I used to question but I strive to be wise, a questioning philosopher isn't wise, a hard laborer that perhaps lacks education and only has a few simplistic beliefs but does not question those beliefs is wise. -- Guess who


    
Annafan
Member (Idle past 2743 days)
Posts: 418
From: Belgium
Joined: 08-08-2005


Message 7 of 217 (246516)
09-26-2005 10:23 AM


Religion for Dummies
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the desk of Karl

Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
Use alcohol in moderation.
Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
Eat right.
Hank dictated this list Himself.
The moon is made of green cheese.
Everything Hank says is right.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
Don't use alcohol.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.


Replies to this message:
 Message 8 by kjsimons, posted 09-26-2005 11:40 AM Annafan has not yet responded

    
kjsimons
Member
Posts: 667
From: Orlando,FL
Joined: 06-17-2003


Message 8 of 217 (246530)
09-26-2005 11:40 AM
Reply to: Message 7 by Annafan
09-26-2005 10:23 AM


Re: Religion for Dummies
For those to lazy to read all that, someone made a short movie of this skit. :D

Link to movie here: http://www.jcnot4me.com/Videos/Kissing_Hanks_Ass-video.mov


This message is a reply to:
 Message 7 by Annafan, posted 09-26-2005 10:23 AM Annafan has not yet responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 9 by Yaro, posted 09-28-2005 4:19 PM kjsimons has not yet responded

  
Yaro
Member (Idle past 4661 days)
Posts: 1797
Joined: 07-12-2003


Message 9 of 217 (247026)
09-28-2005 4:19 PM
Reply to: Message 8 by kjsimons
09-26-2005 11:40 AM


E! Pluribus Unum! Out of Many Fun!
http://stout.hampshire.edu/~pmc02/pizazz/funum.mp3

Don't ask me, but it's pretty gay. (no offence)


This message is a reply to:
 Message 8 by kjsimons, posted 09-26-2005 11:40 AM kjsimons has not yet responded

  
bob_gray
Member (Idle past 3178 days)
Posts: 243
From: Virginia
Joined: 05-03-2004


Message 10 of 217 (248498)
10-03-2005 10:54 AM


Guy on a bridge is about to jump
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

From here


Replies to this message:
 Message 11 by Omnivorous, posted 10-03-2005 11:00 AM bob_gray has not yet responded
 Message 12 by Silent H, posted 10-03-2005 11:32 AM bob_gray has not yet responded

    
Omnivorous
Member (Idle past 1132 days)
Posts: 3808
From: Adirondackia
Joined: 07-21-2005


Message 11 of 217 (248502)
10-03-2005 11:00 AM
Reply to: Message 10 by bob_gray
10-03-2005 10:54 AM


Re: Guy on a bridge is about to jump
:laugh:

Thank you...made my day.

But all you Baptists belong in the river, eh?


This message is a reply to:
 Message 10 by bob_gray, posted 10-03-2005 10:54 AM bob_gray has not yet responded

    
Silent H
Member (Idle past 3984 days)
Posts: 7405
From: satellite of love
Joined: 12-11-2002


Message 12 of 217 (248510)
10-03-2005 11:32 AM
Reply to: Message 10 by bob_gray
10-03-2005 10:54 AM


Re: Guy on a bridge is about to jump
Nice, but I did like one of emo's follow ups...

"When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!"

There'd be some truth in advertising.


holmes
"...what a fool believes he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away.."(D. Bros)
This message is a reply to:
 Message 10 by bob_gray, posted 10-03-2005 10:54 AM bob_gray has not yet responded

    
Coragyps
Member
Posts: 5389
From: Snyder, Texas, USA
Joined: 11-12-2002
Member Rating: 4.0


Message 13 of 217 (248515)
10-03-2005 11:39 AM


Oops....I didn't look first.

"Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Never mind.

This message has been edited by Coragyps, 10-03-2005 11:41 AM


    
Thor
Member (Idle past 4075 days)
Posts: 148
From: Sydney, Australia
Joined: 12-20-2004


Message 14 of 217 (249036)
10-05-2005 8:30 AM


The Morning Poem
As I awoke this morning
when all sweet things are born,
a robin perched upon my sill
to trill a happy morn.

It was so small and innocent
so sweetly did it sing
that thoughts of joy and happiness
into my heart did spring.

I smiled so sweetly to myself
and paused beside my bed
then slowly brought the window down
and smashed it's f**king head.


On the 7th day, God was arrested.
  
berberry
Inactive Member


Message 15 of 217 (250352)
10-09-2005 10:22 PM


Soap Opera Update
This week on As The Bush Burns:

Jeff worried about what Karl planned to tell Patrick about Valerie. Arlen told Stephie that he intended to find out what James knows about Harriet. Tom, consumed with worry about Jack, was stunned when Ronnie indicted him again. There were clues that George has been drinking. Colin and Ari worried that Karen might embarrass herself again overseas. Jerry, Pat and Gary were livid to learn that Harriet gave money to Al.


"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you."-George W. Bush, Gulfport, Miss.,
Sept. 20, 2005.
Replies to this message:
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