Like the story is from the point of view of "someone else" who just happened to be on the street at the moment Eric and Andy passed each other, that person wouldn't know anything about either man unless they told that "someone else" about themselves.
Except that he can hear their thoughts, too? It's your story, I hope you'll continue to write it as you see fit. Regardless there's a number of common "best practices" for fiction writers, and they're not adopted because fiction writers want to be exactly like each other, they're adopted because, in practice, they've emerged as generally the best way to tell a story such that audiences are engaged and entertained. But, your first go-round doesn't have to be perfect. Like I said I hope you'll keep using your own best judgement. I just wanted that out there.
Audiences don't want to read about heroes, they want to
be the hero. The most engaging writing gives the audience somebody to be. If all your characters are basically a mystery, or are no more fleshed out than a random person you might meet on the street, the audience doesn't know who to "be."
I think Andy does "sound" a bit different then Eric at this point though. Dunno if his dropping "dude" and "fuck" left and right is enough though.
For my own part, I think you can learn everything there possibly is to know about writing by reading William Gibson's
Neuromancer. Here's an example from that novel of what it means to me for two characters to have different voices:
quote:
"I'm doing just fine," said Case, and grinned like a skull. "Super fine." He sagged into the chair opposite Ratz, hands still in his pockets.
"And you wander back and forth in this portable bombshelter built out of booze and ups, sure. Proof against the grosser emotions, yes?"
"Why don't you get off my case, Ratz? You seen Wage?"
"Proof against fear and being alone," the bartender continued. "Listen to the fear. Maybe it's your friend."
You can see how Case and Wage don't just talk differently - they
see differently. They're looking through different eyes and looking at different things. Case is all business, he wants to keep up appearances. He's looking at someone who maybe knows something he wants to know. Ratz has a philosophical bent - he's looking at a case study in medicated self-deception. They don't just use different words, they talk past each other because even though they're seated at the same table, in the same novel, they perceive two dramatically different situations. (And, of course, part of the irony is that Case is the novel's POV character and Ratz is a bartender who is in, like, two chapters.)
But, of course, doing that requires having a pretty good idea of who your characters are. Case, as it turns out, has a pretty good reason to keep a laser-beam focus on his "biz". If he tries to take in the bigger picture after what happened to him, he's just going to fall apart at the seams. (No spoilers, though.)
If you post chapter three, I'll change up my posts and tell you what I liked. I've probably been critical enough.
™ Version 4.2
