Carroll vs Hambre - Peanut Gallery

With what international committee do I have to file a formal complaint that this thread is a damn sight funnier than the one it's supposed to be commenting on? I have to find a way to work the line "not fit to write the caption under the topless girl of the Bild Zeitung" into my staff meeting spiel today. You bastards should just go away.Two more Quetzions for Quetzal: did your bird avatar hit someone's picture window avatar? And how many points did I lose for the limerick?------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall[This message has been edited by MrHambre, 09-29-2003]

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With what international committee do I have to file a formal complaint that this thread is a damn sight funnier than the one it's supposed to be commenting on?

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I would recommend filing with the U.N. except that the French will surly vote against you with the support of Germany and the Russians and then the U.S. and Brits will have to continue the thread regardless at taxpayer expense.If you want a more satisfactory resolution you could perhaps register your complaint with the Semi-Meiotic Theory Propagandists. If you can convince Salty that you agree with him you will also have Grasse, Berg, and a lot of other dead people to back you up... and since they are dead you cannot argue with them so you will win by default.If you need legal counseling please consult ten-sai/appletoast/ lawdog since he does KNOW what EVIDENCE is and you don't...you can find him in the phonebook...just look him up under his name...it's right there next to the add for Inflatable Dates. I can vouch for his legal skills. The minor traffic incident of mine that you reported on in The Great Debate would have resulted in a stern warning and a suspended sentence. But thanks to lawdogs intervention I was charged with the more heinous crime of Failure to Yield the Semmelknoedel which carries a sentence of five hours of high volume Schlager Musik...I can hear, Hansi Hinterseer even as I type throbbing in my ears...oh the agony.[This message has been edited by Mammuthus, 09-29-2003]

Dear Mr. Mammuthus,Your offer of exotic sexual favors, no matter how intriguing, will avail you nothing. We don't change our opinions for mere speculative considerations. If there's any second-guessing or double dealing in which to engage, we prefer to initiate it ourselves.* After all, we have a reputation to maintain.Concerning your allegations of bias contained in your previous letter: In the first place, since none of our broadcasters, affiliates or the employees of our famous chain of sexy pet-toy stores (ad motto: "Help your dog put on the dog."), speaks German, your assertion that they couldn't write the caption for some German-language periodical which only puts naked women on the cover to entice poor slobs to buy the rag in the first place (it's not as though there's any follow-through inside, after all - or even more pictures) is largely irrelevant.In the second place, your slanderous comments inre a "Dan bias" in the coverage by our outstanding unpaid trainee broadcasters is completely without foundation. If you had a minimum mathematical background, you would see that Hambre is in fact .08 points ahead of Carroll at this juncture. These statistics will be "exhibit A" in our lawsuit. As we are being represented by the international legal firm of Mostly, Mostly, Mostly and Mostly, Associates LIC, I strongly recommend you look to your defenses or retract your allegations.Finally, QBN welcomes the entry of yet another broadcasting firm into the keen competition of comedic sports media. Hopefully yours will do better than the Extreme Comedy Sports Network based out of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. Ever heard of them? No? See what I mean?Warmest regards,Dirk Mostly
President"QBN - The best news coverage money can buy. Sports figures and politicians our speciality."----------------------*On the other hand, I personally never subscribed to this. Please email additional details on the Syamasu Sutra to dirk_mostly@QBN.gov.ar . Maybe we can work something out, especially about that silly lawsuit...

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In the first place, since none of our broadcasters, affiliates or the employees of our famous chain of sexy pet-toy stores (ad motto: "Help your dog put on the dog."), speaks German, your assertion that they couldn't write the caption for some German-language periodical which only puts naked women on the cover to entice poor slobs to buy the rag in the first place (it's not as though there's any follow-through inside, after all - or even more pictures) is largely irrelevant.

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Ha, irrelevant you say. The German's invented sex pet toys just like they invented the automobile, Zeppelins, airplanes, and Schlager Musik, and stern looks (or at least that is what it says at the Deutsches Museum). What kind of hack investigative journalists do you hire at the QBN? Have you actually ever turned the first page of the Bild Zeitung to see whether their is follow through or not? I don't think so and that is why your network is going down like an New York or Italian electrical grid.

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In the second place, your slanderous comments inre a "Dan bias" in the coverage by our outstanding unpaid trainee broadcasters is completely without foundation. If you had a minimum mathematical background, you would see that Hambre is in fact .08 points ahead of Carroll at this juncture. These statistics will be "exhibit A" in our lawsuit. As we are being represented by the international legal firm of Mostly, Mostly, Mostly and Mostly, Associates LIC, I strongly recommend you look to your defenses or retract your allegations.

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Motly, Mostly, Mostly, and Mostly, Associates LIC...I laugh and damage testicular tissue in the process at your hiring such a weak firm. I am represented by Ten-sai, Appletoast, and Lawdog, Ambulance Chasers Ltd. You call exhibit A evidence! Do you know what evidence is? I don't but lawdog does and he will not tell you and your case will be thrashed in the court of mockery. My representatives will show that your evidence of an 0.08 point lead by Mr. Hambre is just as unlikely as molten rocks turning into lounge acts at the Holiday Inn in Toronto....yeah, I can already hear the rendition of Guns N Roses Welcome to the Jungle playing on a Yamaha keyboard with the drums set to jazz.

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Finally, QBN welcomes the entry of yet another broadcasting firm into the keen competition of comedic sports media. Hopefully yours will do better than the Extreme Comedy Sports Network based out of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. Ever heard of them? No? See what I mean?

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Ah you won't think our entry is so funny when we leave the QBN standing like Giraldo Rivera in front of Al Capone's vault!HAX News Network- If it's fit to lie about, we'll do it in Helvetica font![This message has been edited by Mammuthus, 09-29-2003]

I'm sorry, folks, but my multi-media conglomerate just bought every major news outlet. The FCC decided it would help small business owners if I was allowed to own every source of information in the country.Accordingly, every channel will show a fair and balanced rendition of the news, reporting only my blatant superiority to Mr. Hambre.

Thank you Mr. Berlusconi

Try the World Court at the Hague. They have nothing better to do. No one pays any attention to them anyway. 1) No. When I got back from my unfortunate prolonged absence, the little check box thingy was gone from the bottom of the reply-post box. I'm sure it was another great software update from our fearless and pearless Percy, and it's probably sitting in my profile thingy as a logical change to the old system. I'm simply too lazy to go check. Besides, the rainy season is ending, the fuzzy puffballs that are quetzal chicks have fledged, so the adults are up foraging in the canopy. You'd never see them this time of year anyway.2) Actually, you only lost .05, and you wouldn't have lost that if we could have found some way of translating limericks into Russian. Our monkey-loving Soviet judge Y. Andropov, crystal-channeled by QBN's very own Miss Natasha and her All Seeing Eye Dog, apparently botched the interpretation. Somehow Yuri got the impression you were making scurrilous comments about his mother and an aardvark, which although interesting conceptually is probably anatomically impossible. Yuri got so upset that he sent Natasha into convulsions and the other judges had to beat her with birch sticks until she came to her senses. Lesson learned: when a comedic combatant posts a limerick, lie to the Russians. It won't happen again, I promise.

I really hate to be the one to disabuse you of your self-delusions, Daniel-san, but QBN doesn't depend on your parochial FCC. We are a Nicaraguan corporation with a Lebanese charter. Our state-of-the-art satellite uplink system is located in beautiful downtown Yerevan, Armenia, home to some of the finest copyright pirates on the planet. We have additional re-broadcast stations scattered around several Third World countries and local autonomous regions, some of whose names can't be rendered in English, and are in fact unpronounceable to native speakers of that language. Our highly sophisticated frequency-hopping broadcasts, based on Japanese upgrades of former top line Soviet equipment greatfully sold, errr donated, by a deposed politburo member, also renders any attempt at jamming by anything less sophisticated than the full power of the National Security Agency completely pointless.On the other hand, whereas to the best of our knowledge the upstart HAX News is also not subject to your pitiful US regulations, once we locate their transmitter you won't have to worry about them. Just us. Welcome to the cutthroat world of broadcast journalism.

Yeesh... I don't have to tell the President to pretend that Nicaragua is harboring terrorists now, do I? God damn, it never ends...

Yes, irrelevant. Whatever the Germans may or may not have invented, someone else actually patented it and improved it - from V2 rockets to sex toys (although I admit a hausfrau with a sex toy boggles the mind), Germany has had a poor history of making money off its inventions. Except beer, and even there the Aussies went waay better. Hell, even the Ukrainians make better beer, and that's saying a lot.However, the fact remains that since no one on staff speaks German, your question about whether they could write a German caption is moot. As to how saucy the Bild Zeitung may or may not be, if it's anything like Stern or Der Speigel, then I can be fairly sure there's almost nothing racy inside. All of 'em have naked women on the front. Not one provides anything more. Our "racy magazines" research department searches the entire world for the best and naughtiest. After all, what else do you think they have to do in Yerevan? Mostly, Mostly, etc is a well-run family firm with a 300-year-long history of outstanding work, including toppling dictatorships, bribing government officials, fomenting and/or sustaining revolutions and rebellions (so as to increase family holdings in weapons manufacturing). Sort of like the American CIA only actually effective at it. And btw, greatgrandfather James Mostly really did create a lounge act from molten rocks over a hundred years ago. Unfortunately, due to the ensuing explosion no one ever did figure out how he did it. Ever hear of Krakatoa? The only way we know he succeeded was a partially burned page from his personal diary found embedded in a piece of floating pumice that washed up near Mombasa two years later. Lol. Who do you think emptied the vault in the first place? The body was sold to a collector in Monrovia. Unfortunately, last we heard, during the civil war when Sammy Doe was deposed somebody ate it. You'll just have to take my word for it. Sorry.

Dear Sirs,We at Garabedian Rentals are committed to providing the best service to our many customers throughout the Yerevan Metro area, regardless of whether or not their operations are in flagrant violation of international statutes. To that end, our service agreement with Quetzal Broadcasting Network and Frozen Food Logistics, L.L.C. stipulates that a payment must be received by our offices on or before the due date listed on the invoice.Please remit payment as soon as possible. Continued delinquency will necessitate the repossession of the computer equipment, pool table, assorted office furniture, etc. that we at Garabedian have provided you, and possibly the firebombing of your premises and murder or abduction of staff members.If you have already made payment, please disregard this correspondence.Garabed Garabedian
Garabedian Rentals

Speaking of John Cusack (am I peanut gallerying right?), why was Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil such a bore - I read the book, it should have been a thriller! Cusack's performance seemed singularly uninspired, but he didn't have a lot of help, either. A little dramatic license among the script writers, a little better casting, a little more passion in the directing, and we're talking Nobel Prize, er, Academy Award!--Percy

Reverend Minister of Law John Ashcroft responds:I want to thank each of you who hold dear to our values for investing yourselves in the mission of Christ, of redemption and forgiveness. However, it has come to my attention that two of our posters have forgotton that this nation was founded upon belief in the Creator, and have turned from the righteous path.Mammuthus, a reference to an evolutionist fantasy-beast, and Quetzal, which is clearly the endorsement of an Aztek god, have been discussing activities which clearly violate Sec. 113.2.14a of the U.S. code.No, this is not the section of the code referring to planned assasinations of our foreign dictatorial allies, nor is it the code concerning illicit use of the airwaves. These citizens have defiled their souls by violating laws pertaining to discussion of paraphernalia designed to cause or inflict sexual activity in an extramarital, nonbreeding context.When Pilot stepped before the people in Jerusalem and said, "Whom would ye that I release unto you? Barabbas or Jesus, which is called the Christ?" And when they said Barabbas, he said, "But what about Jesus, the king of the Jews?" And the outcry was "we have no king but Caesar."There's a difference between a culture that has no king but Caesar, no standard but the civil authority, and a culture that has no king but Jesus, no standard but the eternal authority. As a nation founded firmly in the belief of our Lord, we must make an example of these two.Effective immediately, I am ordering the incarceration of Mammuthus and Quetzal, and under the auspices of the USA Patriot Act which group such activities under the umbrella of "Domestic-Based Terrorism", shall be held without bond in a maximum security firing squad yard in the Azores Islands until their trial by jury of the Falwell family.Yours in Christ,
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"Illuminant light,
illuminate me."[This message has been edited by Rei, 09-29-2003]

The Cubs are in the playoffs for the first time since 1998, and someone in Chicago is moaning about Nomar's woes in Boston? While you're at it you may as well moan about Patriot injuries, Celtic general management and squandered opportunities by the Revolution (I think they're a historical reenactment troup from Lexington and Concord).--Percy

I live in Chicago. I'm from Providence.And I will always be a Red Sox man...