Carroll vs Hambre - Peanut Gallery

You *do* realize they can treat this now! I live around Boston. I'm from the New York City suburbs (New Jersey to some). I've followed teams from both areas. To make matters worse, Tuna coached the Giants, then the Patriots, then the Jets (and now is coaching Dallas to be a "Tuna former teams" demolition squad, with New England facing Dallas in just 7 weeks). Patino coached the Knicks and then the Celtics. I'm so confused I don't know who to cheer for.So go Cubs!--Percy

Cool! I'm from East Providence!------------------
Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!

[Sent by: Shyster Mail Forwarding Service, San Diego, CA]Dear Mr. Garabedian,I am most deeply sorry to have to inform you that the company you wish to obtain redress from, Quetzal Broadcasting Network and Frozen Food Logistics, L.L.C., ceased operations on 1 January, 2000. Chapter 11 protections were filed at the 2ieme Cours d'Assises, Grand Riviere, Martinique, Department d'Outre Mer, 01033 France on 31 December 1999. All listed creditors of the company were posted on the courthouse bulletin board, and were thereby informed they had 30 days from date of filing to present their claims in person at the court. According to our records, your company was included on that list. It is of course unfortunate that your company failed to take advantage of this offer. At this late remove, it is unlikely any of the heirs or assigns of the original corporation can be found, and in any event the statute of limitations has expired.It should be noted that the address to which you mailed your letter is the premises of the firm Quetzal Broadcasting Network and Pet-Toys, S.A., which corporation has no legal or other connection to the former Quetzal Broadcasting Network and Frozen Food Logistics, L.L.C. other than a vague similarity of names. Mr. Tavush Gegharkunik, QBN chief of security in Yerevan, has indicated a willingness to discuss this apparent misunderstanding with any of your staff who might still have questions on this issue.I regret any inconvenience this may have caused Garabedian Rentals. Please accept the expression of my deepest appreciation and best wishes.Sheila Mostly
Legal Secretary
Mostly, Mostly, Mostly and Mostly, Associates, LIC

Managua
30 September 2003Most Reverend Juan Ashcroft
Procurator-General
Estados Unidos de America
Washington, DCDear Sir,It is with deepest concern I view your missive of 29 Sep coriente wherein you threaten with durance vile and subsequent execution the president and founder of one of our more successful corporate ventures. Although not a citizen of our country, Sr. Quetzal is a valued businessman who has made great contribution to the Nicaraguan government. Some our more superstitious campesinos even consider him the avatar of the ancient god quetzalcoatl of our people. We are, of course, actively attempting to repress such un-Christian sentiments. We extend to you an invitation to witness an example of this next Thursday on the grounds of the new cathedral.Despite Sr. Quetzal's actual whereabouts being unknown to me, my government would look with great disfavor on any attempts at extradition. Any efforts to carry out the threats in your message would entail the gravest consequences.On a more positive note, the other miscreant you mention, a Sr. Mammuthus, is known to be residing in Munich, Germany, which nation has an extradition treaty with yours. The Government of Nicaragua would be happy to support your extradition request if you desire.Please accept the expression of our best wishes.Sincerely,Luis Jose Maria Santiago de Coronado y Cordoba
Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs and Defense
Gobierno de Nicaragua
Presidential Palace
Managua

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Yes, irrelevant. Whatever the Germans may or may not have invented, someone else actually patented it and improved it - from V2 rockets to sex toys (although I admit a hausfrau with a sex toy boggles the mind), Germany has had a poor history of making money off its inventions. Except beer, and even there the Aussies went waay better. Hell, even the Ukrainians make better beer, and that's saying a lot.

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Ha, you yet again reveal your lack of journalistic rigor by failing to make the obvious connection between the poor financial discipline of German inventors and beer consumption. You think it is easy to do quality management and control of a large scale sex toy operation when you are seeing double and your shoes reek of vomitted Leberkaese and obatzda? And poor Helmut the other day thought he was having a lovely affair with a Hausfrau but when he sobered up it turned out to be Angela Merkel..the sterility treatments are not going well but we have high hopes that he will recover.

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However, the fact remains that since no one on staff speaks German, your question about whether they could write a German caption is moot. As to how saucy the Bild Zeitung may or may not be, if it's anything like Stern or Der Speigel, then I can be fairly sure there's almost nothing racy inside. All of 'em have naked women on the front. Not one provides anything more. Our "racy magazines" research department searches the entire world for the best and naughtiest. After all, what else do you think they have to do in Yerevan?

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Your racy magazines research department is poplated by hacks ( I may be required to poach them from you myself). You can be fairly sure there is nothing racy inside of Der Spiegel? How about the photo spread on the Damen Unterwasche in der DDR? I have not seen so many bushes since my parachute accident on the Crawford ranch!

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Mostly, Mostly, etc is a well-run family firm with a 300-year-long history of outstanding work, including toppling dictatorships, bribing government officials, fomenting and/or sustaining revolutions and rebellions (so as to increase family holdings in weapons manufacturing). Sort of like the American CIA only actually effective at it. And btw, greatgrandfather James Mostly really did create a lounge act from molten rocks over a hundred years ago. Unfortunately, due to the ensuing explosion no one ever did figure out how he did it. Ever hear of Krakatoa? The only way we know he succeeded was a partially burned page from his personal diary found embedded in a piece of floating pumice that washed up near Mombasa two years later.

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Your petty legal lounge act does not scare me. Lawdog assures me he has evidence and he promised me that next time we talk he will definitely absolutely give me the other address to his office so we can finally meet. The last time I must have written it down incorrectly as I walked all over the Cayman Islands for a week and could not find the listed address.

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Lol. Who do you think emptied the vault in the first place? The body was sold to a collector in Monrovia. Unfortunately, last we heard, during the civil war when Sammy Doe was deposed somebody ate it. You'll just have to take my word for it. Sorry.

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I have to respect that. Anyone who can steal a corpse from a guy who gets his lights punched out by neo-nazi's and leftist radicals on public tv yet continues to broadcast is ok in my book.

September 30th
Somewhere in Siberia, just look for where the French guy stuck the tusks for a nice photo opRerverend Ashcroft
Washington DCDear Sir,It is with great saddness that I must inform you that a terrible accident has befallen the late director of the Hax News Network, Mr. M. primigenius weissbierensis. Approximately, 4,500 years ago, he and all memebers of his family went extinct due to the migration of German college students into Siberia looking to make the biggest Bratwurst in history. The Hax News Network has thus relocated to Albania to take advantage of the star presence of Cicciolina and will only report on the Love Party and its attempts to re-enter Italian politics in the near future.With respect for your deeply held religous sensibilities I have covered my breasts while writing this letter which is the first time I have done so in the last 15 years.Do to my special relationship with President Kuchma of the Ukraine, the famed Albanian secret service has been able to track down the whereabouts of Mr. Quetzal. We hope the enclosed photograph of him will help the Attorney General see the wisdom in ignoring the Hax News Network.With love and kisses from the Love Party
Cicciolina, Personal Secretary and Assistant of M. primigeniusMammuthus Frozen Food Emporium
I-CANT-BELIEVE-I-ATE-THE-WHOLE-THINK-DRIVE
Tirana, Albaniaenclosed satellite photo of Sr. Quetzal after his recent accident [This message has been edited by Mammuthus, 09-30-2003]

A HAX News Network Exclusive: Brad McFall driven to extremes due to punctuated equilibrium and his disqualification from the Great Debate and the exteme biased reporting of the QBNPill O' Lielly reporting:On September 29th, 2003, disqualified Great Debate contestant Brad McFall was driven into such a rage he peformed unecessary dental work using the writings of the late SJ Gould

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Gould was NEVER afraid of any word. I have a hard time getting my root canal around them all.

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His subsequent distress caused him to sustain heavy injury by communing with poulty

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I tried to get a degree to follow this kind of thought up but the chickens already ate the grain. I was left pecking at mica.

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Having been disqualified from the Great Debate and then defeated in his pursuit of a degree in higher education by chickens, this former rising star was left banging his nose on mica.This correspondent sought out expert advice on the meaning of the events. Legal expert Ten-sai offered the following

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This is evidence of a vast-Dan-wing conspiracy. And if there is one thing I know it is evidence. Ha! molten rocks to rock stars!

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For balance the Hax News Network asked revered parthenogenetic poultry expert Salty Davidson for his comment

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Grasse would agree with me but he is dead

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Expert Fred Williams who was cleaning out Dr. Salty's garbage at the time added

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I have never seen such a fairytale. All the evidence points to a conspiracy and I will prove it. But I don't have much time right now so I will come back in three or four months and pretend we never had this conversation....how do you spell tanposen, tranposon, tranpolition?..whatever

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There you have it folks. A man driven to extremes from his disqualification and legal and scientific expert testimony that the biased and incompetent reporting by the QBN is nothing but a conspiracy to prevent the true champion of the Great Debate from claiming his prize. This has been a HAX exclusive....you know we did win two Pulitzer's..or was it a Polk? Or was did I get a smiley face pasted on my sleave in kindergarten for not peeing my pants and eating the crayons?..no it was definitely a Pulitzer...or two...

This just in, in an apparent attempt by Q1 of the QBN to steal the M from McFall, the perpetrator was caught red handed. In his defense he was quoted as saying

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robel robel

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though we are not quite sure.We at Hax New Network will keep you updated on this developing story[This message has been edited by Mammuthus, 09-30-2003]

A QBN ExclusiveKatima Mulilo - Caprivi Free State
30 September 2003; QBNA ground breaking meeting was held today between the heads of comedy sports media giants HAX News and the Quetzal Broadcasting Network. After a four-hour, closed-door session in the sweltering capitol of this southern African pseudo-nation, an unprecedented agreement was apparently reached between the two companies. According to HAX News spokesperson and local anchor Mr. Ovibos Moschatus, who read a joint communique before an enthralled audience of two idlers and a goat, the media moguls have agreed to consolidate their comedic sports reporting - especially their coverage of the world famous Carroll-Hambre debate. Mr. Moschatus noted that there were still some thorny issues to address, notably concerning "some guy named McFall", the companies have agreed to equally share concession and advertising revenues from the broadcast debate. Rumor has it that other, unspecified details to the agreement were also decided during the meeting. Although unconfirmed, sources close to the two executives indicate that there may have been an exchange of gifts including a "squeaky sniffer" dog toy and a well-thumbed copy of a back issue of Bild Zeitung. Other arrangements may also have been made.A hastily-arranged anti-monopolist demonstration was staged in the nearby town of Rundu, Namibia to protest this agreement. Eyewitnesses report that the two dozen protestors appeared to be dressed in old, dirty clothing and wore colored wigs and plastic noses. SWAPO security forces dispersed the demonstrators peacefully when it was found they were in violation of civil ordinances against "parading without a license" and "wearing funny clothes". QBN is seeking an interview with one of the two known survivors. Stay tuned for further developments.-------In related news---------Washington, DC - USA
September 30; AFPIn a surprising move today, Nicaraguan Ambassador to the United States Carlos J. Ulvert Sanchez announced his country was formally withdrawing its support for the attempted extradition of M. Primogenius from Germany. According to Embassy spokesperson Daniella Mostly, the change came about because "it was found that Mr. Mammuthus had in fact been deceased for over 4500 years." Ms. Mostly went on to add that this retraction had nothing whatsoever to do with the recently announced agreement between HAX News and QBN. "It is ludicrous to imply that a sovereign nation such as Nicaragua would be unduly influenced in its diplomacy by the actions of any commercial enterprise." When pressed by reporters, Ms. Mostly snapped, "He's extinct, okay? That's it. Tell Mr. Ashcroft that he died in the Flood. He'll get that part."

In completely unrelated news, Attorney General John Ashcroft retracted the order to arrest Sr. Quetzal and Mr. Mammuthus of QBN and Hax respectively. When asked why Mr. Ashcroft stated "Well, the one guy did'nt make it onto the Ark my sources tell me". Regarding the retraction of the arrest warrant for Sr. Quetzal, Mr. Ashcroft shockingly announced that he is leaving the Republican party to join the Love Party. Inside sources said Mr. Ashcroft attended a meeting with Hax representatives in Tirana, Albania late Monday night at the invitation of a one time porn star and member of the Italian parliament, Ms. Ciccolina to discuss the arrest warrant. Sources say heavy breathing and creaking bed springs could be heard emanating from where the meeting was being held. Oddly, Ms. Ciccolina was at a dedication ceremony for the opening of the Ron Jeremy Museum of Fecal Art several kilometers away at the time. When queried as to how Mr. Ashcroft could reconcile his religious views with an association with a former porn star Mr. Ashcroft replied "God is love, God is love".

Is it time to do a status check on who's winning so far? No need to vote if you don't think the debate's gone on long enough yet, but maybe some of us would like to register an opinion on the current state of the battle. You could just say who you think is winning, or you could break it down into categories, like who's ahead overall, best humor, most cutting post, etc...Looks like a draw to me right now.--Percy

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"Illuminant light,
illuminate me."

Winning and losing? Certainly not, of course it's a draw, a happy, happy draw. They make a lovely couple, and I'm sure they will spend many joyous years tormenting each other.

There is no doubt about it, Messenjah is the clear winner. His witty and humorous posts put Hambre and Caroll to shame

Good morning sports fans, and welcome to another blow-by-blow wrap up of the Great Carroll-Hambre Debate, brought to you by QBN, makers of the world-famous line of sexy pet toys. Rover not interested? Tomcat not prowling? Gerbil showing signs of impotence? We've got the product for you!Well, Q2, it's been a pretty slow day in the debate. Both sides appear exhausted, and have contented themselves with unmemorable one-liners and uninspired insults. Although Monday began with a couple of great trades on the old hobo track, with Hambre waaay ahead in style points - especially with his Fox news blurbs - by Tuesday he was reduced to the comedic equivalent of calling Carroll a "poopoo head". Carroll seems unable to come up with any strategy as winning as his hobo tactic, and seems unwilling to continue with that line as well.Yeah, Q1, pretty lame all around. I still think Carroll is merely playing it cagey, and will come up with a devastating line of attack any moment. He's deliberately not giving Hambre any ammunition while he works up his game plan. That was really obvious around post 47, when Dan just sort of let the hand drop and started reading his newspaper. Hambre flailed around a bit, and that's when the "poopoo head" comments started. Brilliant strategy. Hambre came out looking like a loser with that pitiful Carroll send-up. You just wait and see what Dan's got in mind.Okay Q2, I'll take your word for it. But if Dan gets any more transparent in his tactics, he'll be invisible. I don't think either of us needs to comment on the way they both had to rip off that other thread for ideas - like the letters?Nope, Q1, you called it. Let's recap the best lines from this round:Carroll, from post 45: "Hambre... gay jokes are a privelidge. Not a right."Hambre, unfortunately, had two superlative lines that were ruled out of play by the judges: "I've seen mosquitoes with more staying power." was ruled out because it had been used on another thread. Priority of claim will need to be established, but it is believed that the use in the Debate post-dates the other.The second, thoroughly brilliant, vintage Hambre, was also ruled out of play, "Not since Kingsley Amis's waning days have I read such a complex, intriguing display of an artist’s lack of imagination as I did when I read all your messages in the Class Clown thread. Your admirable refusal to use humor in this forum indicates a serious purpose. Your simple, almost retarded prose is a refreshing change from the posts elsewhere at EvC, where people flaunt their verbal skills and wit quite brazenly. It’s fascinating to read posts like yours, where the tedium is uninterrupted by gaudy displays of intelligence." This post was disqualified as it was written by a third person rather than a contestant, and thus cannot officially be attributed to Hambre.General statsThe judges have determined to withhold scores pending actual humor being employed on the thread. It was agreed that if scores were to be recorded for the last two days efforts, both contestants would be severly penalized and overall statistics would have dropped both below the 4.0 average automatic disqualification point. Besides, no one's been able to find the St. Helena or San Marino judges since yesterday.This has been Q1 and Q2 bringing you the latest news, sports and commentary. Tune in again at 16h30 GMT, when QBN broadcasts it's newest sports feature, Caprivan Ox Baiting.Don't forget your pets!Be sure to tune in to our partner HAX News' continuing coverage."QBN - You state it. We distort it. They believe it. That's it."