The Return of Humor

A man walks into a Seven Eleven, goes along the isles, and comes to the cash register with a beer, six bags of pop corn, an energy bar, and a Coca Cola.The lady at the checkout counter looks at the items and smiles at him."Single, huh?"The man smiles back at her. "Yep. How could you tell?""Cause you're ugly as fuck!"

I am by no means racist, but I would like to contribute some more controversial laughter to this thread. Would anyone be offended if I tell some racist jokes? I'll intentionally mix the races so no particular ethnicity is being targeted.

Okay, Lamd doesn't have a problem with it, I can't tell if contracycle's joking or not, and nobody else seems to care enough to respond. I guess that's an okay unless cycle's actually serious?

Okay, with no real protests let the tasteless humor begin! Being half latino I'll start by bashing myself to be fair.Why don't you ever trip a bike with a mexican on it?Cause that bike could be yours.Why do mexicans make tamales?So they have something to unwrap at Christmas.How do you stop a mexican from drowning?Who the fuck would want to do that?REMEMBER: I mean no offense by these or any that I will tell in the future.

My God, I not only know another Lam, but there are about 20 Nguyens at my school. The one in particular(I think was a Nguyen) is insane, and so is the Lam I know. If you are some genetic clone of those two people together... God help us all...By the way, I was actually hoping you knew some Asain jokes. My school has a very high Asian/Indian percentage compared to the other schools in the area, so those jokes don't circulate well for obvious reasons.This message has been edited by Born2Preach, 07-28-2004 01:12 AM

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Wanna feel God? Step onto the wrestling mat and you'd be crazy to deny the uplifting spirit. http://www.BadPreacher.5u.com (incomplete, but look anyway!)

High five!

How many French does it take to defend paris?I dunno, they never tried.Why were there so many trees in Paris?Cause the Germans like to march in the shade.Why'd they chop the trees down in Paris?They figured the Iraqis would rather march in the heat.And now to offend another ethnic group just because Contracycle called me uncle:How do you get a black guy to go away?Throw a basketball.

Somehow I had the feeling you'd catch that one. So, Schraf:How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?Give her a shovel.Why did the woman cross the roadDoesn't matter, she should be cookin' me dinner!(Just remembered)What do you do when you see your wife staggering around the house?Shoot her again!I ruleThis message has been edited by Born2Preach, 07-29-2004 02:15 PM

That reminds me of two I heard awhile back((WARNING,EXPLICIT):What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?Your dick.And I don't know why, but it also reminded me of:What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?One stops fucking you when you're dead. What the hell?! You're vacumming and it's time for lunch!

A long one, but I really need to kill some time...A young, workaholic employee earns a nice vacation for a week. The ticket only accomodates for himself, and so he is reluctant to go and leave his wife behind; she was always telling him how sexy his best friend is.So, he heads to the Adult Toy store to get something to keep her occupied while he's not there. He walks up to the front counter and askes: "You got any dildos?"The sleazy-looking attendant answers: "sure, we got lotsa dildos! We've got Monster Dick, The Big One, Morning Glory, Snapper,The Unabomber... but just for you, I'm offering this!"A small rectangular case made of wood is produced on the table. The skeptic customer salvages from the box what looks like an ordinary fake penis. "What's this?""THIS is Voodoo Dick! Ya tell it ta Voodoo Dick somethin', and it'll Voodoo Dickit!"The customer has to keep from laughing. "okay, fine. Voodoo Dick the counte-"before he even finishes, the artificial moneymaker smashes a hole through the old counter, thrusting with such power that the room begins to shake. The attendant, after chuckling, commands:
"Voodoo Dick Stop!"And it lands back in the case, harmless. The patron was astonished."How much for this?!""70 bucks.""Deal." And so it was.On the day before his vacation, the man hands his wife the box."What is it," she asks while opening it carefully."I got you a Voodoo Dick.""You got me a WHAT?!" The woman dropped the box in surprise and disgust."Honey, watch. Voodoo Dick the table!" The Voodoo Dick launched off the floor and created the same erotic spectacle as it did in the store. After the command to stop, it landed back on the floor.The amazed wife seemed to be more grateful of this exotic present.
"Wow... have fun on your vacation, dear."So a few days later the wife is driving down the road, holding the thing in one hand and eyeing it. "I wonder if this thing will work away from the house?" She thought, and then grinned."Voodoo Dick ME!"Sure enough, it starts railing her against her seat, and the intense pleasure clouds her vision and as such impares her driving. That's when she realizes that she forgot how to make it stop.So, fortunatley, she was low on gas and stopped by the side of the road after about 10 miles(and twice as many orgasms). Still getting prodded, she shakily rolls down the window for the policeman that had been tailing her for the last few minutes. He did NOT look happy."Ma'am, you realize you've ran 6 red lights, hit 3 pedestrians and have been speeding out of control and practicing recklass driving?" He looks down at her violently gyrating hips, noticing that her pants have been torn at the crotch. "Oh, and let's not forget indecent exposure now that you decided to stop."With that the artificial troublemaker popped out of her vagina and into her hand."Officer, you don't understand! It's not my fault! It's this Voodoo Dick!"The officer lost it. "WHAT?! Lady, three people are dead today because of your rediculour driving; there will be NO EXCUSES for this!""No, officer! Please listen!It was the Voodoo Dick!"The officer scoffed. "Voodoo Dick my ass!"

Contracycle, if it's okay with your mommy I'd like to know how old you are. Seriously.I normally don't insult someone who means well and isn't giving out total bull(you aren't, by the way), but I will be stunned if you're older than me. And if you are, how the hell did you get through highschool?!

I'll just answer your questions briefly.I'm 16. By giving people lip you're sending out an intentionally hateful message, contrary to racist JOKES. Don't get me wrong; giving people lip is fun and by all means part of survival in junior high and sometimes highschool. Still, consider that you're condemning us for joking when you've said hurtful things too.

I've seen my share of things that suck. If you want me to be specific then I will. No, I've never been out of the united states but I've seen somebody get shot in the face, or to be specific I heard a shot and a couple hours later saw my first dead body lying in the bushes(what was left of his head was visible and messy), although not well because it was behind police tape. I might be able to find the newspaper clipping and scan it if you want proof that people get shot, though.Anyway, did that shake me awhile back? Of course it did! But do I let that ruin shot-in-the-face jokes for me? Of course not; they're hilarious! It was suspected that racism was one of the motives for the killing. Doesn't bother me, racist humor is still great comedy! Please, you assumed I was born in a barn, and maybe you still do. You seem to think I'm some innocent little kid who thinks that God won't let you get hurt. Pfft. You can always tell who's seen some rough stuff by how they can laugh about it. It's only those who have been sheltered that are afraid to joke about big bad reality. You send out a hateful message by insulting people just like anybody else. It's just that your target happens to be an individual in front of you. A racist joke is aimed at a fictional, stereotypical person(s) of a particular race. Said individuals probably don't exist.I know you're not against jokes, you're against racism. So am I. If you want to read my essay on why racism is stupid I'll post that up.

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Wanna feel God? Step onto the wrestling mat and you'd be crazy to deny the uplifting spirit. http://www.BadPreacher.5u.com (incomplete, but look anyway!)

That essay on my site was just one side of it, and remember the site was also supposed to be FUNNY. The purpose is deemed by the person using it. A tool has a set of tasks it can perform, but the current task it is used for is decided by who wields it. Same thing with jokes. As the 'user' of the joke my purpose is comedy. Yes, indeed! Just like the Evilutionist's innocent 'skepticism' is really a cover for their hatred of the Truth, the One Divine! They'll stop at nothing to battle the God that they know exists and loves them because they're WICKED! WICKED!!!See how silly that sounds? Yeah, same thing applies to your accusation of my Racist Conspiracy(TM).(Edited in)That essay on my site wasn't the one I was offering to show, by the way. The one you saw was, again, written more to be funny than to prove a point(the point being that white people get made fun of in the current popular media). But still, the last part of my essay was definetely anything but racist."We are all ONE people under God." Or something like that.Yes, that's horribly racist! It's clear from that statement: I hate every ethnic race but my own, and I believe that God does as well! Hopefully you can detect the sarcasm in the last two sentences?Do us all a favor and help Mammuthus and Hambre in their digging. Maybe you'll find some buried treasure. We all know how much you like shiney things This message has been edited by Born2Preach, 08-06-2004 02:34 PM

I don't know of any other sites that have published my material. I haven't given them permission. If they have, please tell me what sites have done so.If you meant that they've said similar things, well screw 'em. They're not me, I'm not them. Just because these hate sites and myself may agree that white people get put down in the media doesn't mean we both hate every other color. Kind of like how Mammuthus and I both think you're a whiney, bleeding-heart right wing Thought Policeman, but we don't agree on much else.