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Author | Topic: The Return of Humor | |||||||||||||||||||
jar Member (Idle past 425 days) Posts: 34026 From: Texas!! Joined: |
Oh for a return to Burlesque, when no one was sacred and we all took our lumps. Where the judge on the bench, the millionaire in his club were as fair game as the policeman or the prostitute.
What the world needs now is more stereotypical humor. A father watched his five year old daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. He watched her picking through the flowers when suddenly she just stopped and stared intently at something on the ground. Curious, he went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. Unsure how to handle this delicate subject he decided a direct approach would be best.Besides, she was too young to really understand and would probably forget about it anyway. "Uh...They're mating," her father replied. She quietly watched the spiders then asked, "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?". He looked, recognized the spider and answered "That's a Daddy Longlegs." "So, is the other one a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "Well no." her father replied. "It's a Daddy Longlegs too." The little girl thought for a moment, stood up, took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that might be OK in California and Massachusetts but we ain't having any of that sh%# here in Nevada!! ************************************************************* Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." ************************************************** A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either." ****************************** What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Sheep herder?Mick sings "Hey, You...Get off of my Cloud!" The sheep herder sings "Hey McCloud! Get off of my Ewe!" This message has been edited by jar, 07-28-2004 03:41 PM Aslan is not a Tame Lion |
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jar Member (Idle past 425 days) Posts: 34026 From: Texas!! Joined: |
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus." Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why. Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it. Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were ready taken. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess. Aslan is not a Tame Lion |
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jar Member (Idle past 425 days) Posts: 34026 From: Texas!! Joined: |
The female always makes the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. No male can possibly know all the rules. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules. The female is never wrong. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm. Aslan is not a Tame Lion
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jar Member (Idle past 425 days) Posts: 34026 From: Texas!! Joined: |
If this were really a man's world, Rodin's The Thinker would be thinking...
Remember to leave the seat up. |
Message 93 of 302 (130609)
08-05-2004 8:45 AM |
Reply to: Message 92 by contracycle 08-05-2004 8:28 AM |
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Message 92 by contracycle, posted 08-05-2004 8:28 AM | contracycle has replied |
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Message 94 by contracycle, posted 08-05-2004 9:56 AM | jar has replied |
Message 95 of 302 (130658)
08-05-2004 11:46 AM |
Reply to: Message 94 by contracycle 08-05-2004 9:56 AM |
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Message 94 by contracycle, posted 08-05-2004 9:56 AM | contracycle has replied |
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Message 96 by contracycle, posted 08-05-2004 11:55 AM | jar has replied |
Message 97 of 302 (130666)
08-05-2004 12:00 PM |
Reply to: Message 96 by contracycle 08-05-2004 11:55 AM |
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Message 117 of 302 (132483)
08-10-2004 6:44 PM |
Reply to: Message 113 by contracycle 08-10-2004 6:55 AM |
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Message 137 of 302 (140875)
09-08-2004 1:26 AM |
Reply to: Message 136 by Adminnemooseus 09-08-2004 1:11 AM |
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Message 136 by Adminnemooseus, posted 09-08-2004 1:11 AM | Adminnemooseus has replied |
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Message 166 of 302 (178422)
01-19-2005 12:59 AM |
Reply to: Message 165 by berberry 01-19-2005 12:48 AM |
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Message 169 of 302 (179029)
01-20-2005 5:59 PM |
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Message 175 of 302 (180405)
01-25-2005 8:50 AM |
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Message 183 of 302 (181041)
01-27-2005 7:15 AM |
Reply to: Message 182 by Silent H 01-27-2005 4:44 AM |
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Message 214 of 302 (183796)
02-07-2005 6:10 PM |
Reply to: Message 213 by coffee_addict 02-07-2005 5:30 PM |
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Message 243 of 302 (190774)
03-09-2005 11:48 AM |
Reply to: Message 241 by Brad McFall 03-08-2005 6:01 PM |
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Message 241 by Brad McFall, posted 03-08-2005 6:01 PM | Brad McFall has replied |
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Message 244 by Brad McFall, posted 03-09-2005 12:16 PM | jar has replied |
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