Dear Mr. Jazzns,
reading your writings I can still see myself, in some sense.
I also was brought up in a Christian family, together with my two sisters. But in my middle adolescence I was esnared by evolutionistic ideas and skeptical behaviour, very trendy in that epoch. I did feel very confuse so I gradually arrived to be serious doubtful of God existence.
The faith my mother instilled into me was — I did feel - something that didn't belong to me. I did feel it was almost only a tradition that was handed down from my mother — surely with the best of intents - to me.
But, luckily, my reaction to this precarious situation wasn't a passive one.
At least, I was utterly convinced that knowing the truth about the existence (or nonexistence) of God and His possible Revelation, the Bible, were the most important search I did must finalize.
Any conclusions I should have draw, I should have started up my life on that conclusions.
I thought: "If my search will reveal that God doesn't really exist I must live my life seizing all the best this world may offer me. But, if I will discover that God exists, He must became the pivotal issue, the ‘cornestone’ of my life.".
So, I started an intense study period, getting on subjects like Logic, Maths, Physics, Biology, Astronomy, Ancient Literature, Linguistics, History (also Religions'), Sacred Books, and Bible, naturally.
Little by little I became aware that my wonky faith was rebuilding itself, brick by brick.
I did let myself influenced by the fashioning thought, like: "The more a person learns about universe's phenomena and the more he realize God is nonexistent".
Instead, it was just the opposite!
The more things I learned and the more my faith did grow stronger.
It is clear, from what you write (In the end I let myself be convinced, peer pressure and the desire to fit in at its finest, that my reservations about Christ were unfounded. Despite the divisiveness of having these two religions in the home growing up, I had finally chosen Christianity over Islam, been baptized, and decided to try to live in that religion. [] The circumstances dictated my growth into religion and not my true inner desire for spiritual truth. [] I know that the only real reason I was there [in the church] was because of my friends and an admiration for the pastor and the people. I wanted to believe it was because I had made the choice but I never took the time to have the knowledge that I would need to feel such confidence) that you did get off on the wrong foot, like me (in my adolescence). Our believe in God and in the Bible weren’t based on an accurate study about universal phenomena and Bible, but, admittedly, on a familiar tradition.
So you.
Could it be that you have never ‘proved to yourself the good and acceptable and perfect will of God’? (Romans 12:2) Some may attend religious meetings with their parents and be able to recite some of the basic teachings of the Bible. But when asked to give proof of their beliefs or to explain some of the deeper things of God’s Word, their knowledge proves to be disappointingly shallow. Such youths can easily be misled. (Ephesians 4:14)
Bible itself encourages to carefully examining the Scriptures, to convince ourselves that the things we had learned from our parents were really so! (Acts 17:11)
Another aspect that cleared the way for disbelief - in your case — was the lack of rational answers to your doubts, from those which are - theorically - the experts of these topics. In fact you say that the Old Testament of the Bible had remained an enigma to me.
You was worried about Calvinism which teaches that not only can we not know but also that we have no power to change our fate! It forces a faithful person to decide that either our salvation is predestined or that God is not in fact omniscient about the future.
You are right. But this is not a Bible teaching, at all!
If you decide, in the future, to make a deeper Bible study, you will catch that this kind of predestination is not in the Bible, but only in the minds of some religious men.
Another wrong idea about God is that I would burn eternally in a lake of fire if I didn't believe in God. Also this is a teaching not Bible-based. The Revelation of God speaks only about the right of the Creator to give death (not eternal torment) to those defying His laws.
Granted, there’s a possibility that also if we do obtain a complete knowledge about behaviour and thoughts of God, we wouldn’t be attracted by His personality. Perhaps, this could be your case, since you write: The character of God in the Old Testament is nothing like the character of God that I was raised to believe in or taught to love in church. We are free moral agents. Nothing in the universe oblige us to feel attraction toward a person very different from our way of thinking.
For example, if we are not persuaded that the Creator of the Life has the right to establish what persons are deserving life or death, and — moreover - we don’t have the same inner level of righteousness of God, it is obvious to see the huge massacre triggered by Him at the Deluge time like a sadistic action.
A death-row execution of a self-confessed murderer can be viewed also a sadistic action from who believe that no one has the right to take someone life, in every case. The same situation can be viewed by other peoples - instead - a right and necessary action to dispense justice. The fact that millions of people are loving God and His quality and His (past, present and future) actions is a demonstration that we may decide to love or hate God, to accept His manner to do things, or not.
In any case, whathever convictions we have about the righteousness/unrighteousness of God to give life or death to someone, are we — by logic — able to infere that a Legal Court is nonexistent because we are not agree with her decision to execute these criminals?
Why, so we are to obliged to think God is nonexistent because He executes (in a manner and in a time he wants) persons persisting in action and behaviour against His laws and against the neighbour of criminal itself?
God exists despite our possible disagreement about his way to manage human things.
Getting back to my life experience, I was able — gradually - to see that all my doubts were only figments: partly through mine ignorance about the universe's phenomena, partly through my lacking Bible understanding, and partly on account of my non-critical and guileless lending an ear to trendy ideas un-supported by facts.
I did feel really the odour of the truth when I did re-read Bible passages like these (bold is added):
"The simple man has faith in every word,
but the man of good sense gives thought to his footsteps"
(Proverbs 14:15, Bible in Basic English - 1965).
"Put everything to the test. Accept what is good"
(1 Thessalonians 5:21, Contemporary English Version).
I've found true the words I did read in a Christian magazine (bold is added): "In a sense, faith that is untested has no proven worth, and its quality remains unknown. You might liken it to a check that has not yet been cashed. You may have received a check for work that you did, for goods that you provided, or even as a gift. The check may look good, but is it? Is it really worth the amount that appears on it? Similarly, our faith must be more than just an appearance or a mere profession. It must be tested if we are to prove that it has substance and real quality. When our faith is tested, we may find that it is strong and valuable. A test may also reveal any areas in which our faith needs refinement or bolstering."
I hope this my brief discourse can be useful about an your afterthoughts.
P.S. I apologize for my woobly English.
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