I have a question for you, Rob. Why is it that you are always comfortable in the rescue mode? Can't you participate in the topic by discussing some of your hangups and addictions as well? It is ok to become vulnerable and honest.
You want vulnerability... vulnerability you shall receive. I'll do it as a moment of impluse, so I don't talk myself out of it.
Hey Tom, you don't know how many times I have reminded myself I should write you. Actually our Lord reminds me. It wouldn't have taken long to type something like this up and print it out for easy mailing. But now that I have your email, it is easy enough. Forgive me, I think of you often.
The fact is Tom, Michelle let me read a letter where you said something to the effect that I was a role model, and you flattered me in a way that dropped my jaw and frankly sent me immediately into tears (it's true, your sister will tell you). I am not nearly the man you might think. But from your position, I suppose I do alright.
I struggle with depression Tom. And when I read that letter, I realized that I take so much of my life for granted. As Paul said, "oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this body of death"?
I think you are a stronger man than you know, if for no other reason, because I am not as strong as you think. You must be careful in comparing yourself with others if that is in fact what you do. We compare ourselves to Christ, hence the depression!
The point is, that you and I suffer in very simmilar ways. That should be no suprise... we are both men. Our circumstances are different, but we both condemn ourselves and drag around this ball and chain. We know how to get rid of it.
It is just guilt. And as Christians, we can be freed from such pain. We both know the solution... repentance and obedience! It isn't just for conversion, it is I am afraid, the daily sacrifice our Lord spoke of when he said, 'offer yourselves daily as a living sacrifice'. And we do, even if only reluctantly and because of His strength and not our own. Long periods of thirst, puncuated by fountains of living water.
I'd like to give you some of that water today...
The pain, is our cross Tom. And we must bear it and not hide from it. An I know you do, so be confident that He is still with you. It is the only thing that will drive us to obey Him. It is the only thing that brought us home in the first place. Those cleansing tears of honest regret and acknowledgement of wrongdoing.
Better to suffer now, than to pay for intentionally living a lie eternally. Neither of us can do that, though in our utter depravity we wish to forget. But can you forget the Lord? I think not. What He did in that transaction is irrevocable. We are slaves to righteousness. He has the power to keep us.
I don't know about you, but I wish I could take off my mask. Others often try to rip it off. Sometimes they only offer to help. What do we do? We then run and hide and say not yet...not yet... I can't.
That is what I go through every day of my life Thomas, and I know in my heart that you do too. And the emotion wells up like a geyser ready to explode. If you think you are not free to let it go because of your environment, just realize that it is no difference here. We're going home brother, but we are not home yet. Take hold of the promise. He is keeping you securely in Himself, irrespective of the world's derision and insolence including that of your own wicked flesh.
The cross looks foolish to them. We certainly don't look llike son's of God on the outside. And our actions betray the truth that we are following in His footsteps and enduring the scorn of the evil one. And on the inside, we are being prepared for more than either you or I can comprehend. He woks in such incredible ways to remind us, "I am with you, even unto the end of the Age". He is in me, and speaks to you. What a wonderful ministry we give to each other.
2Corinthians 4:7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
Our sickness of soul is far more deadly and desperate than we ever cared to see. Thank your Lord that He is able to show you yourself just a little at a time so that you don't just die from the agony. To see Him, is like sunlight shining back onto yourself. The fact that you see it, is the proof that you are in His care.
Your justification is by faith Thomas, your sanctification goes on by fire. And you are being sanctified.
Someone once wrote, "Intense is the agony, when the eye begins to see, when the ear begins to hear, when the pulse begins to pound; when the soul feels it's flesh... and when the flesh feels it's chains."
But Tom, there is another poem I found along 'the way'...
He came to my desk with a quivering lip--
The lesson was done--
"Dear teacher, I want a new leaf," he said;
"I have spoiled this one."
In place of the leaf, so stained and blotted,
I gave him a new one, all unspotted,
And into his sad eyes smiled--
"Do better now, my child."
I went to the throne with a quivering soul--
The old year was done--
"Dear Father, hast thou a new leaf for me?
I have spoiled this one."
He took the old leaf, stained and blotted.
And gave me a new one, all unspotted.
And into my sad heart smiled--
"Do better now, my child."
The next mountaintop is in sight Tom. It is past the valley of tears. And on the other side is another valley equally as terrifying. But upon cresting each summit, we climb higher into the arms of one who does not condemn us the way we condemn ourselves.
And when we finally get there, we will see for the first time what Lazarus saw, when he was summoned back from the grave.
After one moment when I bowed my head
And the whole world turned over and came upright,
And I came out where the old road shone white,
I walked the ways and heard what all men said,
Forests of tongues, like autumn leaves unshed,
Being not unlovable but strange and light;
Old riddles and new creeds, not in despite
But softly, as men smile about the dead.
The sages have a hundred maps to give
That trace their crawling cosmos like a tree,
They rattle reason out through many a sieve
That stores the sand and lets the gold go free:
And all these things are less than dust to me
Because my name is Lazarus and I live.
G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
Your brother in Christ, Rob
I think it would bother me more if you ran over to me (in the virtual world) hugged me and said that you now believed the same way that I do. We were foreknown and mean't to disagree. It spices up our conversations! 
™ Version 4.2
