Humour VI

Haha you should have done what my friend has done he ran out of the hospital after waking up he had no id on him so no bill was sent, though i think the first stomach pumping because of alcohol abuse is free in my country.

Hahahaha its 4 in the morning and im laughing my ass off, had to stop reading before i wake everybody up.

hahahahahaha

[QS]God questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.In order to better serve your needs, [S]He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.1. How did you find out about your deity?__ Newspaper__ Bible__ Torah__ Television__ Book of Mormon__ Divine Inspiration__ Dead Sea Scrolls__ My Mama Done Told Me__ Near Death Experience__ Near Life Experience__ National Public Radio__ Tabloid__ Burning Shrubbery__ Other (specify): _____________2. Which model deity did you acquire?__ Jehovah__ Jesus__ Allah__ Krishna__ Buddha__ Father, Son, & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]__ Brahma, Vishnu, & Siva [Trimurti Pak]__ Mawu/Olorun & Obatala [Vodun Loa Pak]__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]__ Satan__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?__ Yes __ NoIf no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:__ Not eternal__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos__ Not omniscient__ Not omnipotent__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)__ Permits sex outside of marriage__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage__ Makes mistakes__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people__ Looks after life other than that on Earth__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched__ Requires burnt offerings__ Requires virgin sacrifices4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply.__ Indoctrinated by parents__ Needed a reason to live__ Indoctrinated by society__ Needed focus in whom to despise__ Needed focus in whom to love__ Imaginary friend grew up__ Hate to think for myself__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church__ Fear of death__ Wanted to piss off parents__ Wanted to please parents__ Needed a day away from school or work__ Desperate need for certainty__ Like organ music__ Need to feel morally superior__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool__ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell__ Sh_t was falling out of the sky__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.__ Baal__ The Almighty Dollar__ Left Wing Liberalism__ The Radical Right__ Amon Ra__ Beelzebub__ Bill Gates__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur__ The Great Spirit__ The Great Pumpkin__ The Sun__ The Moon__ The Force__ Cindy Crawford__ Elvis__ A burning shrub__ Psychiatry__ Other: ________________6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.__ Tarot__ Lottery__ Astrology__ Television__ Fortune cookies__ Ann Landers__ Psychic Friends Network__ Dianetics__ Palmistry__ Playboy and/or Playgirl__ Self-help books__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll__ Biorhythms__ Alcohol__ Marijuana__ Bill Clinton__ Tea Leaves__ EST__ Amway__ CompuServe__ Mantras__ Jimmy Swaggert__ Crystals__ Human sacrifice__ Pyramids__ Wandering around a desert__ Insurance policies__ Burning shrubbery__ Barney T.B.P.D.__ Barney Fife__ Other:_______________________ None7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
Circle one below:a. More Divine Interventionb. Less Divine Interventionc. Current level of Divine Intervention is just rightd. Don't know.e. What's Divine Intervention?8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):a. Disasters:1 2 3 4 5 flood1 2 3 4 5 famine1 2 3 4 5 earthquake1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts1 2 3 4 5 pestilence1 2 3 4 5 plague1 2 3 4 5 Spam1 2 3 4 5 AOLb. Miracles:1 2 3 4 5 rescues1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny town & previously unknown hamlets1 2 3 4 5 crying statues1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine1 2 3 4 5 walking on water1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?(Attach an additional sheet if necessary)[/QS]

49 Actual Newspaper Headlines
collected by journalists...1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
10. Eye Drops off Shelf
11. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
12. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
13. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
14. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
20. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
21. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
22. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
23. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
24. War Dims Hope for Peace
25. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
26. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Deer Kill 17,000
30. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
31. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
32. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
33. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
34. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
35. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
36. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
37. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
38. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
39. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
40. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
41. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
42. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
43. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
44. Air Head Fired
45. Steals Clock, Faces Time
46. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
47. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
48. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
49. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

hell sounds yummy

Obey this book the best book written on all subjects Edited by frako, : No reason given.

rofl just read this joke on one of our news siteskid: i just got an F in geography
parrent: WHY?
kid: i couldent find the equator
Parrent: no wonder your schoolbag is such a mess

Nategnem e tvojo prijatelj (fračo)
saj očitno prevoh si za njo
one translationShould i strech your's too my friend (slingshot)
its clear you are to weak for itother translationShould i fu#$ yours too my friend (woman)
its clear you are to weak for herEdited by frako, : No reason given.

Edited by frako, : No reason given.

Laughed out so loud my lungs hurt when he says not romans are pussy he still has his eyes. Edited by frako, : No reason given.

True storry just got reminded of itA girl who is friend of mine came back from noter country by train, and in the same cabin there was a priest, she bought an elcetronic shaver for her legs or something like that and did not want to declare the purchase dnno why probably her first time abroad so she asked the priest to hold it for her, reluctantly the priest agreed. On the checkpoint the customs officer asks if anyone has anything to declare the girl says no, the priest says i have a small machine that girls use in my pants, the customs officer just went to the next cabin.

2 Stuednts are waiting for an oral exsam one says when you come out tell me what you answered.One studant goes in and the profersor asks himWho discovered America
Kristof ColumbusWhen was that?in 1492why did the Maya civilization vanish?I dont know they are still researchingThe student walks out and tells the other the answersthe second comes in and the professor asks what is your name?Kristof ColumbusWhen where you borne1492Are you totally insane?I dont know they are still researching

Id buy that tractor