Message 60 of 553 (607547) 03-04-2011 2:04 PM

Reply to: Message 59 by Straggler 03-04-2011 1:11 PM

No, thus you have done your job and helped to save the Earth. Good job.

Message 224 of 553 (620340) 06-15-2011 3:57 PM

Adam
said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
want me to do?"

God
said, "Go down
into that valley."

Adam said, "What's
a valley?"

God explained it to
him. Then God said,
"Cross the
river."

Adam said, "What's a
river?"

God explained that
to him, and then said,
"Go over to the
hill...."

Adam said, "What is a
hill?"

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the
other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a
cave?'

After God explained,
He said, "In the cave
you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a
woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
want you to
reproduce."

Adam said, "How do
I do that?"

God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."

And then,
just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
into
the valley,

across the river, and
over the hill,
into the
cave, and finds the
woman.

Then, in
about five minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
wearing thin, said
angrily, "What is
it
now?"

And Adam said....
What's a headache?

Message 225 of 553 (620341) 06-15-2011 4:00 PM

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry. I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that shit . . . Never mind.

Message 331 of 553 (631312) 08-31-2011 3:38 PM

Reply to: Message 330 by dwise1 08-31-2011 3:19 PM

Obviously you've never watched LFL football .

Edited by rueh, : My grammer sucks

Message 368 of 553 (635689) 09-30-2011 3:39 PM

Reply to: Message 367 by Prototypical 09-30-2011 3:31 PM

Edited by rueh, : No reason given.

Message 378 of 553 (636383) 10-06-2011 7:49 AM

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Message 500 of 553 (643483) 12-07-2011 11:28 AM

You're not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.

We have enough "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.

A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party

Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you;
fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto:

At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population

You know why a banana is like a politician? He comes in and first he's green, then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten.

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors.

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected
Is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.