Humour VI

For those of you in college maybe.... Edited by fearandloathing, : No reason given.

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Stupid Laws from North CarolinaPersons in possession of illegal substances must pay taxes on them. However, paying taxes on these items doesnot make them legal.Organizations may not hold their meetings while the members present are in costume.No one may be a professional fortune-teller, and if one wishes to pursue the practice as an amateur,
it must be practiced in a school or church.It's against the law to sing off key.Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married
then, according to state law, they are legally married.All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two
feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.Oral sex is considered a crime against nature.A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.Public use of white canes by other than blind persons prohibited.Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited. (Barber)It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly. (Chapel Hill)Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times. (Charlotte)It is illegal to drive cars through city cemeteries for pleasure. (Dunn)No one may visit their departed loved ones late at night. (Dunn)It is illegal to throw rocks at a city street. (Dunn)No person shall spit on a city street. (Dunn)You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will
have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town. (Forest City)Restaurants "with on sidewalk dining" must post their menu so that it is clearly readable from
the sidewalk, but is not readable from the street. (Greensboro)You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars. (Kill Devil Hills)It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog. (Rocky Mount)It is against the law to rollerblade on a state highway. (Southern Shores)It is against the law for children under seven years of age to go to college. (Winston-Salem)It is illegal to stand outside the police station for any purpose after dark. (Zebulon)

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

All illegal substances are taxable if you’re in possession of them.105-113.107. Excise tax on unauthorized substances.(a)Controlled Substances. — An excise tax is levied on controlled substances possessed, either actually or constructively, by dealers at the following rates:(1) At the rate of forty cents (40) for each gram, or fraction thereof, of harvested marijuana stems and stalks that have been separated from and are not mixed with any other parts of the marijuana plant.(1a) At the rate of three dollars and fifty cents ($3.50) for each gram, or fraction thereof, of marijuana, other than separated stems and stalks taxed under subdivision (1) of this section.(1b) At the rate of fifty dollars ($50.00) for each gram, or fraction thereof, of cocaine.(2) At the rate of two hundred dollars ($200.00) for each gram, or fraction thereof, of any other controlled substance that is sold by weight.(2a) At the rate of fifty dollars ($50.00) for each 10 dosage units, or fraction thereof, of any low- street-value drug that is not sold by weight.(3) At the rate of two hundred dollars ($200.00) for each 10 dosage units, or fraction thereof, of any other controlled substance that is not sold by weight.(a1) Weight. — A quantity of marijuana or other controlled substance is measured by the weight of the substance whether pure or impure or dilute, or by dosage units when the substance is not sold by weight, in the dealer’s possession. A quantity of a controlled substance is dilute if it consists of a detectable quantity of pure controlled substance and any excipients or fillers.(b) Illicit Spirituous Liquor. — An excise tax is levied on illicit spirituous liquor possessed by a dealer at the following rates:(1) At the rate of thirty-one dollars and seventy cents ($31.70) for each gallon, or fraction thereof, of illicit spirituous liquor sold by the drink.(2) At the rate of twelve dollars and eighty cents ($12.80) for each gallon, or fraction thereof, of illicit spirituous liquor not sold by the drink.(c) Mash. — An excise tax is levied on mash possessed by a dealer at the rate of one dollar and twenty-eight cents ($1.28) for each gallon or fraction thereof.(d) Illicit Mixed Beverages. — A tax is levied on illicit mixed beverages sold by a dealer at the rate of twenty dollars ($20.00) on each four liters and a proportional sum on lesser quantities.(1989, c. 772, s. 1; 1995, c. 340, s. 1; 1997-292, s. 1; 1998-218, s. 1.)

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

quote:

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Overview

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A "Jesus stick" can be any blunt instrument capable of inflicting severe head trauma. They are mostly used to aid in convincing non-believers to accept Jesus as their savior. They are also occasionally used for general ass beating, killing small animals, and bondage play.

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History

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Contrary to popular belief, the Jesus stick is not named after Jesus Christ, but rather Jesus Christ is named after the Jesus stick. The stick's name actually comes from Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 3rd, a legendary Aztec warrior renowned for his ass-beating skills. Emanuel never killed his challengers; instead, he would leave them with severe brain damage and convince them to do his bidding, which usually involved creating giant piles of rocks for no particular reason. When Emanuel passed away at the age of 364, he left his stick to his first-born son, Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 2nd, whom he named after his father. Emanuel the 2nd carried the stick for several years, but after a rather unsettling encounter with six midgets and a Guatemalan hooker, he vowed never to use the stick again. Witnesses overheard him call it "a worthless god-damned Jesus stick" as he tossed it aside, thus coining the term.

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Afterwards, the original Jesus stick passed out of history, but the practice of beating ass with Jesus sticks lived on. Some six million years later, a Middle Eastern kid by the name of Josh Carpenter took a trip to Columbia to get some blow. While he was there, he got into an argument with a drug lord by the name of Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzales the Nth and was beaten with a Jesus stick to within an inch of his life. When he emerged from a three year coma, he returned to the Columbian drug cartel and asked to be trained in the ancient art of Jesus stick ass beating. The drug lord Emanuel, who was so impressed that Josh still had an IQ above 17, offered to train him personally. After several long, grueling minutes, his training was complete, and Josh Carpenter took on the name Jesus "Here Comes the Pain" Christ (often abbreviated as simply Jesus H. Christ.) Emanuel then fashioned for him a Jesus stick the likes of which had never been seen, and bid him farewell in the manner of his people: "Pinche gringo culero ve a chingar a tu reputisima madre!"

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Upon returning to Middle Earth, he swiftly began beating ass at random with his Jesus stick. Jesus "Here Comes the Pain" Christ and his escapades have been described in over 8 trillion different, conflicting documents worldwide, which invariably makes the study of this subject quite difficult.

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Technique

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Jesus sticks are usually inscribed with cryptic messages which can be used to confuse and distract the person to be saved. Once distracted, there are two ways to save your target. The first involves significant damage to the cranium, and the second involves sodomy. These are referred to as the "top-down" and "bottom-up" approaches (respectively.) The proper "top-down" technique was first discussed in Stone Cold Steve Austin's biography, "How to Kick Ass and Convert Sinners":

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Well, first, you swing really hard at the back of the head. If that don't take 'em down you might have to hit 'em agian. When you see blood coming out of their ears, that's when you know it's workin'.
~ Stone Cold Steve Austin on Jesus sticks

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The bottom-up technique has never been fully documented, primarily because it is much messier and less desirable than the top-down technique. It has, however, shown much promise. Famed actor Andy Dick was supposedly saved by this technique when he ran into a homeless missionary in a back alley in New York. In fact, New York seems to be experiencing an upsurge in the bottom-up technique; despite the allegations, it now appears that Ashley Dupre was using Eliot Spitzer's own Jesus stick to try and save him with this method.

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It is important to note that some groups may not respond to one, or either, of the techniques. For example, it has been demonstrated that the Irish (or anyone with a consistent BAC of 0.5% or greater) are resistant to the top-down approach. Homosexuals have been known to seek out Jesus stick holders and ask for the "bottom-up." Do not be fooled; if this happens to you, begin the top-down treatment immediately. Also, neither method will work on politicians, Muslims, blond women, midgets, or Guatemalan hookers.
Edit Controversy sectionEdit Controversy

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The use of Jesus sticks has led to some controversy, but because the victim almost always accepts Jesus once the brain or rectal hemorrhaging stops, arguments against the practice are usually dismissed as anti-Christian. It has been said that almost every overseas missionary carries their own Jesus stick, in the very likely event that they are not immediately accepted by their target group. Widespread use of Jesus sticks has resulted in thousands of conversions worldwide.

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This ancient rendering is thought to be Jesus' own Jesus stick. It could also possibly be an ancient sex toy.Edited by fearandloathing, : No reason given.

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings; he sat beside her and said, I heard you were planning to leave me?She replied, Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile!Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old."
-----A Pakistani comes to America and begins working for the ACLU but is unfamiliar with American advances in toiletry. On his first day on the job he comes back from the men's room saying he can't find any hole in the ground. His boss explains how American plumbing works and sends the Pakistani back.A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream shakes the office walls. His boss runs into the bathroom to investigate why he's screaming.The Pakistani replies, "I am just sitting here on the toilet like you instructed to do and every time I am making to flush, something comes up and squeezes dearly on my poor testicles."His boss looks at what he's sitting on and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket!" Q. What do you say to a Muslim with his arm all the way up a camel's rump?
A. "Having car trouble?"Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
A: Dress her up as a goat.Q. What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
A. Tickle the goat under the chin. Edited by fearandloathing, : No reason given.Edited by Adminnemooseus, : Shortened long line of "-", which was causing page width problems.

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

To whoever rated my Muslim jokes a 1, well?? If I offended you just say so.

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

She is hot!! But when I close my eyes or look away all I hear is Natasha from the Bullwinkle cartoon... JK... the accent is also sexy, and she is smart!

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Thanks for making me spray tea on my keyboard.

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Why not?? Edited by fearandloathing, : No reason given.

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

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"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Emergency room bill = $1200.00Stomach pumped, misc. burns/abrasionsOn the plus side...all fingers intact...3rd degree burns on hands and forearms only...most of the hair on my head is still intact, eyebrows and mustache suffered worst damage...no police charges, they were too busy laughing as I rode away in the ambulance.AMERICA... FUCK YEA....LAND OF THE FREE

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"No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten."
Hunter S. ThompsonAd astra per asperaNihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.