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Author | Topic: Humour VI | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
For those of you in college maybe....
Edited by fearandloathing, : No reason given. "I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
Stupid Laws from North Carolina
Persons in possession of illegal substances must pay taxes on them. However, paying taxes on these items doesnot make them legal. Organizations may not hold their meetings while the members present are in costume. No one may be a professional fortune-teller, and if one wishes to pursue the practice as an amateur,it must be practiced in a school or church. It's against the law to sing off key. Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled. If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as marriedthen, according to state law, they are legally married. All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least twofeet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden. It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard. Oral sex is considered a crime against nature. A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent. Public use of white canes by other than blind persons prohibited. Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited. (Barber) It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly. (Chapel Hill) Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times. (Charlotte) It is illegal to drive cars through city cemeteries for pleasure. (Dunn) No one may visit their departed loved ones late at night. (Dunn) It is illegal to throw rocks at a city street. (Dunn) No person shall spit on a city street. (Dunn) You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople willhave time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town. (Forest City) Restaurants "with on sidewalk dining" must post their menu so that it is clearly readable fromthe sidewalk, but is not readable from the street. (Greensboro) You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars. (Kill Devil Hills) It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog. (Rocky Mount) It is against the law to rollerblade on a state highway. (Southern Shores) It is against the law for children under seven years of age to go to college. (Winston-Salem) It is illegal to stand outside the police station for any purpose after dark. (Zebulon) "I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
All illegal substances are taxable if you’re in possession of them.
105-113.107. Excise tax on unauthorized substances. (a)Controlled Substances. — An excise tax is levied on controlled substances possessed, either actually or constructively, by dealers at the following rates: (1) At the rate of forty cents (40) for each gram, or fraction thereof, of harvested marijuana stems and stalks that have been separated from and are not mixed with any other parts of the marijuana plant. (1a) At the rate of three dollars and fifty cents ($3.50) for each gram, or fraction thereof, of marijuana, other than separated stems and stalks taxed under subdivision (1) of this section. (1b) At the rate of fifty dollars ($50.00) for each gram, or fraction thereof, of cocaine. (2) At the rate of two hundred dollars ($200.00) for each gram, or fraction thereof, of any other controlled substance that is sold by weight. (2a) At the rate of fifty dollars ($50.00) for each 10 dosage units, or fraction thereof, of any low- street-value drug that is not sold by weight. (3) At the rate of two hundred dollars ($200.00) for each 10 dosage units, or fraction thereof, of any other controlled substance that is not sold by weight. (a1) Weight. — A quantity of marijuana or other controlled substance is measured by the weight of the substance whether pure or impure or dilute, or by dosage units when the substance is not sold by weight, in the dealer’s possession. A quantity of a controlled substance is dilute if it consists of a detectable quantity of pure controlled substance and any excipients or fillers. (b) Illicit Spirituous Liquor. — An excise tax is levied on illicit spirituous liquor possessed by a dealer at the following rates: (1) At the rate of thirty-one dollars and seventy cents ($31.70) for each gallon, or fraction thereof, of illicit spirituous liquor sold by the drink. (2) At the rate of twelve dollars and eighty cents ($12.80) for each gallon, or fraction thereof, of illicit spirituous liquor not sold by the drink. (c) Mash. — An excise tax is levied on mash possessed by a dealer at the rate of one dollar and twenty-eight cents ($1.28) for each gallon or fraction thereof. (d) Illicit Mixed Beverages. — A tax is levied on illicit mixed beverages sold by a dealer at the rate of twenty dollars ($20.00) on each four liters and a proportional sum on lesser quantities. (1989, c. 772, s. 1; 1995, c. 340, s. 1; 1997-292, s. 1; 1998-218, s. 1.) "I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
quote: This ancient rendering is thought to be Jesus' own Jesus stick. It could also possibly be an ancient sex toy. Edited by fearandloathing, : No reason given. "I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined:
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Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings; he sat beside her and said, I heard you were planning to leave me?
She replied, Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile! Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old."----- A Pakistani comes to America and begins working for the ACLU but is unfamiliar with American advances in toiletry. On his first day on the job he comes back from the men's room saying he can't find any hole in the ground. His boss explains how American plumbing works and sends the Pakistani back. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream shakes the office walls. His boss runs into the bathroom to investigate why he's screaming. The Pakistani replies, "I am just sitting here on the toilet like you instructed to do and every time I am making to flush, something comes up and squeezes dearly on my poor testicles." His boss looks at what he's sitting on and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Q. What do you say to a Muslim with his arm all the way up a camel's rump?A. "Having car trouble?" Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?A: Dress her up as a goat. Q. What do Muslim men do during foreplay?A. Tickle the goat under the chin. Edited by fearandloathing, : No reason given. Edited by Adminnemooseus, : Shortened long line of "-", which was causing page width problems. "I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
To whoever rated my Muslim jokes a 1, well?? If I offended you just say so.
"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
She is hot!! But when I close my eyes or look away all I hear is Natasha from the Bullwinkle cartoon... JK... the accent is also sexy, and she is smart!
"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
Thanks for making me spray tea on my keyboard.
"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
Why not?? Edited by fearandloathing, : No reason given. "I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
Emergency room bill = $1200.00
Stomach pumped, misc. burns/abrasions On the plus side...all fingers intact...3rd degree burns on hands and forearms only...most of the hair on my head is still intact, eyebrows and mustache suffered worst damage...no police charges, they were too busy laughing as I rode away in the ambulance. AMERICA... FUCK YEA....LAND OF THE FREE "No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten." Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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