Obituaries

Courtesy of QBN News Network:Munich, Germany: Two people died yesterday as a result of another mad rampage by a naked man in the Paulaner beer garden. Witnesses report that the man was "intoxicated, extremely hairy, had an evil smell, and had two bananas duct-taped to either side of his head." He demanded to be represented by Rob Zombie but was released with a stern warning when he told police it was his birthday.Chicago, IL: Former actress Roseanne Barr, after legally changing her name to Eliza Dushku, arrived at O'Hare International Airport and was crushed by one of the army of giant robots currently terrorizing the city. Chicago has recently undergone a financial boom spurred by the recent infusion of ten billion dollars into the local cash economy, primarily at comic book stores, strip clubs, and liquor and firearms stores.

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The dark nursery of evolution is very dark indeed.
Brad McFall

A positive DNA identification of Skeptick's fetid corpse may not be forthcoming, since forensic pathologists involved in the autopsy conceded that "we don't know anything about DNA anyway." Other researchers claimed they hadn't read the chapter because they left their backpack on the bus.The Nazi Abortionist Atheist Conspiracy to Rebel Against God had not returned our phone call as of this edition.

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The dark nursery of evolution is very dark indeed.
Brad McFall

Reports from Kansas allege that Stephen Fretwell continues to generate controversy (and a fairly pungent pong) even in death. His funeral was disrupted by disagreement over who was to deliver his eulogy. A last-minute replacement was needed for Darwin’s Terrier, who is being held on unspecified charges under the provisions of the PATRIOT Act. John Salty Davison’s whereabouts are evidently known only to Dr. Scott Page, currently in hiding. Dr. Alan Cresswell is unable to leave the UK due to his pending trial for beating himself up in a pub in Hackney. Syamsu (still inexplicably in great demand for interviews by major science periodicals in Chicago, Munich, and London) was contacted at the Mein Camphor laundromat in Nganjuk, but he claimed to have already delivered Fretwell’s eulogy and said he deplores this constant repitition. The farewell to Fretwell was finally delivered by Phatboy, and nobody could make head nor tail out of a word he said.

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The dark nursery of evolution is very dark indeed.
Brad McFall

Natick, MA: Discovery Institute janitor Esteban Hambre was struck by lightning today, then fell down a materialist latrine hole after slipping on a banana peel. Witnesses describe the incident as 'kick ass.' Despite his lifelong wish to have the Variations for Orchestra op. 31 by Arnold Schoenberg played at his funeral by the Boston Symphony Orchestra, the family has settled on having a boombox blare that song by Outkast. No, the other one. Although his will stipulated that his remains should be cremated and his ashes sprinkled along a specified stretch of the Pentland Hills south of Edinburgh, Scotland, his body will in fact be dumped somewhere along the utility road behind his house in Framingham.[This message has been edited by MrHambre, 03-08-2004]

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The dark nursery of evolution is very dark indeed.
Brad McFall