A QBN Entertainment Exclusive
Katima Mulillo, Caprivi Free State
15 Oct 03
The world famous media mogul, pet sex toy manufacturer and amateur neotropical ornithologist Quetzal was killed today in a freak sporting accident at the never-completed, long-abandoned Africa Games sports complex here. Mr. Quetzal was apparently engaged in a solo version of the team sport of Caprivian Ox Baiting when the animal in question ran amok and stomped Mr. Q into a thin paste. Just before the contest, Mr. Quetzal is reported as saying, "I'm gonna make
some bloody money off this stupid sport if it's the last thing I do." Apparently, it was.
After a difficult tussle involving Caprivian Air Force AC-130 gunships, 1500 liters of liquid nitrogen, and 30 darts filled with distilled rinderpest virus, stadium officials were finally able to subdue the beast. Blood tests showed that the animal wasn't an ox at all, but a long-thought-extinct giant ground sloth. Director Percy, Caprivian State Minister for Really Weird Things, was overheard to opine, "Well, that explains why it was so hard to stop. Overkill, overchill and overill is the only way to get rid of 'em." Local officials suspect foul play, as sloths, giant or otherwise, don't much resemble Caprivian oxen.
Representatives of HAX News Service and Megafaunal Emporia, GmBH, the world's foremost and only purveyors of extinct ground sloths, were unavailable for comment.
Caprivian Ox Baiting has now been officially banned by the IUCN, IOC and the World Wrestling Federation. "After all, I mean, it's a really stupid sport, ya know? Someone could get hurt, or something." said Kathleen Mostly, spokesperson for the WWF in commenting on the incident.
Mr. Quetzal is expected to be interred in his home town of Cerro Kilambe, Nicaragua, if sufficient bits and pieces of him can be found or soaked up with sponges.
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