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Author | Topic: Humour VII | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
New Cat's Eye Inactive Member
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Oh wank jokes are the best.... Just for you, Wii Curling:
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ringo Member (Idle past 442 days) Posts: 20940 From: frozen wasteland Joined:
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A young boy lost an eye in an accident (after his mother had warned him a thousand times, "You'll put your eye out!") His family was poor and couldn't afford a glass eye so his father whittled an artificial eye for him out of wood. Of course it didn't look very real and the other children used to make fun of him and call him "Wood Eye".
Growing up, he didn't have many friends and he didn't like to go out because he was self-conscious about his wood eye. When the time came to graduate from high school, his best friend tried to talk him into going to the dance but he didn't want to go. His friend advised him to ask the ugliest girl in the room to dance and she'd be so glad to be asked that she wouldn't even notice his wood eye. So he went to the dance and he looked around the room for the ugliest girl and he went over and asked her, "Would you like to dance?" Her face lit up and she replied, "Would I!" He retorted, "Fuck you, cunt face!" Edited by ringo, : Spilleng. Edited by ringo, : Punc,tu!@#$ation.
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Omnivorous Member Posts: 3992 From: Adirondackia Joined: Member Rating: 7.5
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The Boston comedy troupe Asperger's Are Us. Love the T shirt."If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you can collect a lot of heads." |
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Huntard Member (Idle past 2325 days) Posts: 2870 From: Limburg, The Netherlands Joined: |
And I dance like a horse!
Better not let Dennis find out, he'll flip his (horse?)shit.
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Shield Member (Idle past 2893 days) Posts: 482 Joined:
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NoNukes Inactive Member |
Do you think they want to be treated like theyre doing nothing out of the ordinary? Do you think they mind not being laughed at? I didn't find the video the least bit funny.Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also in prison. Thoreau: Civil Disobedience (1846) The apathy of the people is enough to make every statue leap from its pedestal and hasten the resurrection of the dead. William Lloyd Garrison. If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and deprecate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground, they want rain without thunder and lightning. Frederick Douglass
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ringo Member (Idle past 442 days) Posts: 20940 From: frozen wasteland Joined:
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Grandpa was telling little Timmy about his experiences during World War Two. It seems that he was in the Norwegian Air Force when the Nazis attacked.
"I yumped in my airoplane," he explained, "an' I went after dem Nazzies. One focker came at me from da left an' I shot dat focker down. Den anudder focker came at me from da right an' I shot dat focker down too. Den anudder focker came at me from right in front dare an' I shot dat focker down too, you betcha." Timmy was eager to show Grandpa how much he knew, so he said, "A Fokker is a German airplane, right Grandpa?" Grandpa replied, "Dat's right. An' every one of dem fockers was a Messerschmidt."
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subbie Member (Idle past 1285 days) Posts: 3509 Joined:
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But hysterically funny, too. NSFW
Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions. -- Thomas Jefferson We see monsters where science shows us windmills. -- Phat It has always struck me as odd that fundies devote so much time and effort into trying to find a naturalistic explanation for their mythical flood, while looking for magical explanations for things that actually happened. -- Dr. Adequate Howling about evidence is a conversation stopper, and it never stops to think if the claim could possibly be true -- foreveryoung |
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Minnemooseus Member Posts: 3945 From: Duluth, Minnesota, U.S. (West end of Lake Superior) Joined: Member Rating: 10.0
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Via the snail mail:
quote: It was 2 weeks since I visited my PO box, so I don't know how long the "large blue and white envelope" has been waiting for me. Typically, I pick up my mail once or twice a month. I haven't had a TV in my home for something along the lines of 7 years, and I (maybe) see about an hour of TV in a month. I wonder how many "haven't watched anything" responses they get? MooseProfessor, geology, Whatsamatta U Evolution - Changes in the environment, caused by the interactions of the components of the environment. "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." - Bruce Graham "The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness." - John Kenneth Galbraith "Yesterday on Fox News, commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. To be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people." - Conan O'Brien "I know a little about a lot of things, and a lot about a few things, but I'm highly ignorant about everything." - Moose |
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Minnemooseus Member Posts: 3945 From: Duluth, Minnesota, U.S. (West end of Lake Superior) Joined: Member Rating: 10.0 |
quote: News of the WeirdFunny Times, January 2013, p. 15 MooseProfessor, geology, Whatsamatta U Evolution - Changes in the environment, caused by the interactions of the components of the environment. "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." - Bruce Graham "The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness." - John Kenneth Galbraith "Yesterday on Fox News, commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. To be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people." - Conan O'Brien "I know a little about a lot of things, and a lot about a few things, but I'm highly ignorant about everything." - Moose
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Dr Adequate Member (Idle past 315 days) Posts: 16113 Joined: |
Something similar happened in the UK. A guy killed his favorite co-worker so that when he committed suicide (which he failed to do) he'd know someone in the afterlife. 'Cos otherwise it would be socially awkward standing around with a bunch of dead strangers. Of course, it would also be awkward if the one person you knew there was someone you'd just murdered, but this guy probably wasn't the clearest of thinkers.
Anyway, the judge ruled that since his beliefs weren't that different from plenty of other nutty religious beliefs, he wasn't really nuts. And he had a point. Otherwise you'd have all these lawyers going: "Hey, my client is even crazier than that. He believes in the afterlife, and transubstantiation, and Papal infallibility, is he a loony or what?"
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AZPaul3 Member Posts: 8564 From: Phoenix Joined: Member Rating: 5.1 |
The ghost of George Carlin:
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack? How do you refill it? 4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? 8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? 12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam. 21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. 25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? 28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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jar Member (Idle past 424 days) Posts: 34026 From: Texas!! Joined:
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Now it is possible to be off topic in a thread where the topic is "Off Topic Posts aka The Rabbit Trail Thread".
Anyone so limited that they can only spell a word one way is severely handicapped! |
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AZPaul3 Member Posts: 8564 From: Phoenix Joined: Member Rating: 5.1 |
What is the definition of eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way intersection. Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?A: Their balls are just for decoration. Why is Santa Claus always so happy?He knows where all of the bad girls live! I farted in an elevator yesterday... it was wrong on so many levels. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I asked, "Implants?" Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl. Q: What's the difference between snow men and snow women?A: Snowballs! Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize him you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Don't knock on Death's door.Instead, ring the bell and run. Death hates that... Take my advice: I don't use it anyway. Short skirts make a man polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one? Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for all the folks in my head. A man had his VISA stolen but he decided not to report it. The thief was spending less than his wife! Eat right. Exercise daily. Die anyway. When everything's coming your way you're on the wrong side of the street. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? My wife thinks I'm too nosy. But she won't face me to tell me that. She writes it in her diary.
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Tangle Member Posts: 9516 From: UK Joined: Member Rating: 5.1
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Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android |
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