Humour VII

A young boy lost an eye in an accident (after his mother had warned him a thousand times, "You'll put your eye out!") His family was poor and couldn't afford a glass eye so his father whittled an artificial eye for him out of wood. Of course it didn't look very real and the other children used to make fun of him and call him "Wood Eye".Growing up, he didn't have many friends and he didn't like to go out because he was self-conscious about his wood eye. When the time came to graduate from high school, his best friend tried to talk him into going to the dance but he didn't want to go. His friend advised him to ask the ugliest girl in the room to dance and she'd be so glad to be asked that she wouldn't even notice his wood eye.So he went to the dance and he looked around the room for the ugliest girl and he went over and asked her, "Would you like to dance?"Her face lit up and she replied, "Would I!"He retorted, "Fuck you, cunt face!"Edited by ringo, : Spilleng.Edited by ringo, : Punc,tu!@#$ation.

Grandpa was telling little Timmy about his experiences during World War Two. It seems that he was in the Norwegian Air Force when the Nazis attacked."I yumped in my airoplane," he explained, "an' I went after dem Nazzies. One focker came at me from da left an' I shot dat focker down. Den anudder focker came at me from da right an' I shot dat focker down too. Den anudder focker came at me from right in front dare an' I shot dat focker down too, you betcha."Timmy was eager to show Grandpa how much he knew, so he said, "A Fokker is a German airplane, right Grandpa?"Grandpa replied, "Dat's right. An' every one of dem fockers was a Messerschmidt."

I don't have video, so I'll have to use my words:

1. One scientist offering another scientist a beaker labeled 'Atoms': "Take two. They're small."
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2. Sign on the door of a physics lab: "Gone fission."

Three ladies were discussing, in a slightly roundabout way, the topic of abortion. The Catholic lady insisted that life begins at conception. The Anglican lady suggested that life really begins at birth. They argued back and forth for a while until they noticed that the Jewish lady wasn't saying anything. They both turned to her and asked, "When do you think life begins?"The Jewish lady hesitated and then said, "Life begins when they graduate from medical school."

Information gleaned from reading between the lines on the periodic table:

• Francium and Germanium react violently with each other.
• Decay products of Yugoslavium include Bosnium, Croatium and Slovenium.
• Iranium is oily.

Can there be a Big Bang if there are no ears to hear it?If the Big Bang misfired, would it be a Big Click?

I've mentioned this before but since you're new here, I'll repeat it: I have a slight problem with dyslexia and I sometimes read "creationist" as "cartoonist".Of course, that doesn't mean they're good cartoonists.

Here in Saskatchewan, forty-odd years ago, the government changed the regulation-sized draft glasses (that's regulation, mind you) from 7 3/8 oz to 7 1/4 oz - or vice versa, I can never remember which. Heaven help the bartender who shorted you on the regulation size of your beer. Part of my job was to unload 1000 cases of the new glasses.Of course, our regulations are much more relaxed now. Pretty soon we'll even be able to have strippers and liquor in the same room.

I should have mentioned that when the glass size changed, the regulation price (that's regulation, mind you) changed from twenty cents to twenty-one cents - or vice versa, I can never remember which.I don't know what it would be now. I haven't had a drink in almost a year and I can't remember the last time I bought one.

I make a lasagna that's only one calorie per serving. Mind you, a pan is ten thousand servings.

I gazed lovingly into her eyes... because it was the only part of her I could see. She was wearing fuzzy slippers, ski pants, four sweaters and her sexiest tuque - the one with the Montreal Canadiens logo.It was like peeling an onion. By the time it was all off, it was time to put it back on again.That's why they call Saskatchewan "next year country".

Any story worth telling is worth claiming it happened to you.

It's a backup in case the first drink fails.

Once upon a time, before refrigeration was common, ice used to be delivered door to door.One day, the horse-drawn ice wagon was coming down the street and the ice man was calling out, "Ice. Ice."A lady called down from her second-floor apartment, "Send me up twenty pounds of ice." The horse stopped, unhitched himself from the wagon, went around to the back and got a twenty-pound block of ice, took it up the the second floor, got the money from the lady, came back down the stairs, gave the money to the ice man and hitched himself to the wagon again.As they continued down the street, the ice man called out, "Ice. Ice."Then a lady called down from her third-floor apartment, "Send me up thirty pounds of ice." The horse stopped, unhitched himself from the wagon, went around to the back and got a thirty-pound block of ice, took it up the the third floor, got the money from the lady, came back down the stairs, gave the money to the ice man and hitched himself to the wagon again.As they continued down the street, the ice man called out, "Ice. Ice."Then a lady called down from her fourth-floor apartment, "Send me up forty pounds of ice." The horse stopped, unhitched himself from the wagon, went around to the back and got a forty-pound block of ice, took it up the the fourth floor, got the money from the lady, came back down the stairs, gave the money to the ice man and hitched himself to the wagon again.As they continued down the street, the ice man called out, "Ice. Ice."Outside a saloon, the ice man pulled on the reins and the horse stopped and the ice man got down and went inside.A passerby happened to overhear the horse muttering to himself, "I have to pull the wagon. When somebody wants some ice, I have to unhitch myself, get the ice, take it up the stairs, get the money, bring it back down and give it to the ice man and then hitch myself up again. Now he's sitting there in that cool saloon drinking cold beer while I have to stand out here in the hot sun and wait for him."The passerby was amazed and said, "You can talk."The horse glanced sideways at him and said, "Yes, I can talk."The passerby asked, "Does your owner know you can talk?""Of course not," the horse retorted. "If he knew I could talk, he'd make me call out, 'Ice. Ice.'"

A travelling salesman stopped at a farm to ask directions. "What's the quickest way back to the city?" he asked."I dunno," the farmer replied.'"Well, how can I get to the highway?" the salesman asked."I dunno," the farmer replied."Well, can you at least tell me where this road goes?" the salesman asked."I dunno," the farmer repeated.Exasperated, the salesman muttered, "You don't know much, do you?""Mebbe not," the farmer admitted, "but I ain't the one that's lost."