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Author Topic:   Please - Some Impartial Advice Needed
Jaderis
Member (Idle past 3415 days)
Posts: 622
From: NY,NY
Joined: 06-16-2006


Message 16 of 240 (404733)
06-09-2007 11:52 AM
Reply to: Message 1 by taylor_31
06-08-2007 3:00 PM


Hey Taylor,
Firstly, I would like to congratulate you for having the courage to come out to your mother. It is a big step and not one taken lightly. Just the fact that you felt the need to tell her already says that you are probably beyond the "confused" stage.
Secondly, I want to bring up a very important point. You have had some time to grapple with your attractions and the implications they bring to yourself and to those you love. Your mother has not. It is important to give her time to come to terms with your revelation. She may never be OK with it and that is something you have to accept up front. Even the most liberal of parents sometimes have a hard time accepting this. More than likely, however, she will eventually come around. It will take time, though.
You also need to be prepared to answer to her fears calmly and positively(i.e. "am I going to have grandkids??" "i'm afraid of you getting AIDS!" etc). Try not to lose patience with her or others you come out to. It is easy to assume the stance that people either have to accept you or they can go to hell, but it is better to accept yourself first and be prepared for some backlash. Educate yourself about a healthy gay lifestyle and seek out a gay youth support group, if that is your scene.
So what do you think I should do? Is it possible that she's right and I am deluding myself? Perhaps I am confused; perhaps I'm relying too heavily on my friend and his influence; and I probably would be making a big mistake to come out and then be wrong about it! Is it possible to learn to like girls? Or am I stupid for even thinking such a dumb thought?
Like I said, you are likely beyond the "confused" stage if you felt strongly enough to come out to your mother. These questions are better answered by you, however, than anyone here. Do you think you are deluding yourself? Do you really think that your friend could possibly influence you to like guys?
I hope you have someone you can talk to about this in your offline life, but I'm happy that you are seeking support here, too.
Here is a website dealing with coming out issues. There are many more. Seek them out and if you need any help, I will gladly be of service Feel free to email me if you wish.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by taylor_31, posted 06-08-2007 3:00 PM taylor_31 has not replied

  
Jaderis
Member (Idle past 3415 days)
Posts: 622
From: NY,NY
Joined: 06-16-2006


Message 17 of 240 (404741)
06-09-2007 12:50 PM
Reply to: Message 8 by taylor_31
06-08-2007 7:14 PM


Re: thanks everyone
Overall, she told me that I was throwing away everything I have worked for, everything in my life, for a dumb lie.
Although this kind of statement is obviously a reach from desperation and irrational fear, you need to ask her what she meant by that? What have you been working towards your whole life that wouldn't be compatible with being a homosexual? It might make her see sense if you ask her this point blank. Be prepared with a list of your goals and go through them with her. It is possible tho that she was referring to spiritual work (i.e. getting into heaven). This is a little trickier. You may want to seek some information ( This is a page detailing bible passages that deal with homosexuality). I am not a Christian and neither are my parents so I didn't have to deal with this aspect of coming out, but there is plenty of information out there, I am sure. Don't go into these discussions with your mother blind. The more you are secure with yourself, the more you can address any irrational fears she may have.
She insisted that I'm not gay; she said that I have never dated a girl (and suggested that I lack "people skills") and have no idea what I'm talking about. She insists that I may like girls, but I've been too insecure to date them.
Others here have brought up this point, but it cannot be stressed enough. Ask her if she "knew" she was attracted to males before she ever dated one. Ask her if she really thinks that if you were insecure with girls, what makes her think that you wouldn't be insecure with guys, too? Ask her why she thinks it would be easier for you to be attracted to guys - does she think you want to hurt her over something you aren't sure about?
She insists that because I'm only eighteen that my developing brain is in no position to make decisions about my life. She gave me several detriments of being a homosexual, which included disease, psychological problems, that it's "unnatural", and the societal consequences ("You'll be put into a group," she says.)
Again, educate yourself and go back and address these issues with her. Let me help you get started.
Disease: Being gay does not automatically put you at further risk for disease. A promiscuous sex life, however, does. This doesn't matter if you are gay or straight. Having anonymous sex, "one night stands," and/or multiple sex partners without protection does put you at risk for STDs no matter who you are having sex with. It is possible to have monogamous relationships as a homosexual. Indeed, most of the gay men I know do just that (and I live in NYC!). It is also possible to date and have sexual experiences outside of a relationship as long as you are smart about it. Go to gay health sites and educate yourself.
Psychological problems: Often these problems stem from a caustic relationship with one's parents after coming out or from having to hide one's sexuality from their parents (or everyone...some people have deeper closets than others). Other issues one may have besides this are often aggravated by not being able to discuss one's life fully with those who matter most to them. I love how the very people who cause alot of the hardship, anger and bitterness expressed by many homosexuals then turn around and use it against them. The improtant thing is to be OK with yourself and if your mother (or others) never accept you, you need to accept that and move on. Try not to be bitter about it (can't always be done and there will always be times when you dwell on it, that's OK, too) and just live your life in a way that makes you happy. Hopefully she'll come around, tho.
Unnatural: This one is just silly. We all do things that are "unnatural" every day. But just what is "unnatural?" As described in another thread, everything is natural as in guided and controlled by natural, physical laws. This point is not really all that important, but you can ponder it all you want.
Societal consequences: Explain to her (calmly) that she is a part of the problem, then. Also explain to her that it is unlikely that you would "choose" to be a part of a "group" that so many people revile. Why would you, or anyone, do such a thing? Tell her about PFLAG and help her see how she can be a part of the solution.
She ended our argument by saying that she'll never condone or accept it. All during this, she was occasionally breaking down in tears; and when she cries, I can't help it, either.
It's OK to cry. It shows how much you love your mother. This must be really hard for you and I sympathize greatly. Everytime I hear coming out stories like yours I make sure to call my parents and thank them for being so accepting and loving. I hope that one day you can do the same.
"Young lady, I know what Bert is going through. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. It's like walking down an empty street listening to your own footsteps. But all you have to do is to knock on any door and say, 'If you'll let me in, I'll live the way you want me to live and I'll think the way you want me to think', and all the blinds will go up and all the doors will open, and you will never be lonely ever again." -Spencer Tracy
I hope I don't do that for anybody.
I sincerely hope so, too. I've seen first hand the devastation wrought from denying yourself. There is an emptiness and a sadness and lots of anger that stems from trying to be someone you are not in order to please someone else. I wish you all the best.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 8 by taylor_31, posted 06-08-2007 7:14 PM taylor_31 has not replied

  
Jaderis
Member (Idle past 3415 days)
Posts: 622
From: NY,NY
Joined: 06-16-2006


Message 37 of 240 (405058)
06-11-2007 1:12 AM
Reply to: Message 34 by taylor_31
06-10-2007 11:24 PM


I'm sorry you had such a crappy day. Learning who your real friends are is a hard lesson, but a necessary one.
Of course, I didn't mean to hurt my family; I was stupid to think they would be immune to criticism. I told my friends - and some other people - because I felt ready; but perhaps I was selfish to sacrifice my parents' reputation.
It is your parents who are being selfish here. They are willing to hurt and criticize you and would probably encourage you to live a lie in order to save face in their community? They should be defending you instead of worrying about what other people think about them.
Reminds me of the movie "The General's Daughter."
Of course, they may come to a point where they do defend you and I hope they do. I am just trying to help you see that the reactions of these people, including your parents, are NOT your fault. I know you do not want to see your mother in pain, but the pain is of her own making and hopefully someday the only pain she will have is being hurt for you when other people make hateful comments.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 34 by taylor_31, posted 06-10-2007 11:24 PM taylor_31 has not replied

  
Jaderis
Member (Idle past 3415 days)
Posts: 622
From: NY,NY
Joined: 06-16-2006


Message 142 of 240 (405904)
06-15-2007 1:19 PM
Reply to: Message 122 by Hyroglyphx
06-15-2007 11:31 AM


Re: Impartial advice
I've never said that homosexuality is just like beastiality.
No, but you applauded Iano, for his "well written reply to Taylor" (Message 63) in which Iano compared homosexual desires to bestial desires, which implies that you agree with his sentiment.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 122 by Hyroglyphx, posted 06-15-2007 11:31 AM Hyroglyphx has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 143 by Hyroglyphx, posted 06-15-2007 1:30 PM Jaderis has replied
 Message 144 by molbiogirl, posted 06-15-2007 1:37 PM Jaderis has not replied
 Message 154 by iano, posted 06-15-2007 6:40 PM Jaderis has not replied

  
Jaderis
Member (Idle past 3415 days)
Posts: 622
From: NY,NY
Joined: 06-16-2006


Message 145 of 240 (405916)
06-15-2007 1:46 PM
Reply to: Message 143 by Hyroglyphx
06-15-2007 1:30 PM


Re: Impartial advice
I didn't see that at as a comparison, save that they are both classified as sexual immoral.
The use of something like beastiality is primarily to show that if one thing is tolerated, why not another, or another, or another?
Because they are completely different! And you've been told why (animals cannot give informed consent, nor can children).
The "use of something like bestiality" to argue against the acceptance of homosexuality is simply a slippery-slope scare tactic used on the uninformed to advance a policy of inequality and intolerance. It has no basis in reality, but, unfortunately, it works so the Christian Right keeps using it over and over and over again.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 143 by Hyroglyphx, posted 06-15-2007 1:30 PM Hyroglyphx has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 148 by Hyroglyphx, posted 06-15-2007 2:52 PM Jaderis has not replied

  
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