The Return of Humor

Trust me, I have seen racism face to face and I have been a victim of it. Yes, some jokes are used for the purpose of lowering others because of their ethnic background. However, and you can trust me on this, I haven't seen any of that on here.

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The Laminator
For goodness's sake, please vote Democrat this November!

I think Betta was a little before my time (don't know her at all). I do miss Desdamona, however. Never before had I seen such... actually, I don't think there is a word to describe her condition. The closest word I can think of right now is "crackpot".

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The Laminator
For goodness's sake, please vote Democrat this November!

I deleted an email yesterday. Now, I really regreted about not saving it.I got an email from a lesbian couple who wanted to find a sperm donor because they wanted to have a baby. My roommate and I couldn't stop laughing after we read the email.

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The Laminator
We are the bog. Resistance is voltage over current. For goodness's sake, please vote Democrat this November!

Here is one that I think is absolutely great!

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The Laminator
We are the bog. Resistance is voltage over current. For goodness's sake, please vote Democrat this November!

Why thin, flat things rise and glide on the way down: physicists finally solve the falling-paper problem!http://www.physorg.com/news1630.html

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He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.The longest word in the English language is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. - "Nurse,"- he mumbles from behind the mask, -"are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, -"I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, -"Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, -"There's nothing wrong with them!" The man slowly removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, -"That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are.... my... test...results...back?

40 Classic Bushisms and Gaffes

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The Dumbest Things President Bush Said in 2004
10) "I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me." Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004

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9) "Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling." Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004

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8) "Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat." Washington, D.C., Sept. 17, 2004

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7) "I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spacial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country." Washington, D.C. Jan. 14, 2004

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6) "We will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete their missions. That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel." Erie, Pa., Sept. 4, 2004

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5) "After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week we will have an all-volunteer army!" Daytona Beach, Fla., Oct. 16, 2004 (Watch video)

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4) "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004 (Watch video)

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3) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004 (Watch video)

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2) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 (Watch video)

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1) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 (Watch video)

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One day while an elderly woman is at the doctor's office for her usual checkup, the doctor writes for her a prescription and tells her, "I'm afraid you're going to have to take these for the rest of your life."Later that day, the elderly woman gets the prescription from the drug store. Immediately after she's read the label, she faints. The label says "No refill."

I really have to ask. Is that you in the avatar?

I actually agree with this. Having to choose between the guy with a forced smile, which indicates that he is holding a knife behind his back, and a guy that has a sweet gayish smile, which indicates that he is planning something evil but you know for sure it won't be violent, I'd rather pick the second guy.

Listen to Who's On First.Or Watch a video clip of Who's on First.Here is a version of Who's on First for the next generation.

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George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

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Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

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George: Great. Lay it on me.

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Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

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George: That's what I want to know.

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Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

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George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

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Condi: Yes.

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George: I mean the fellow's name.

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Condi: Hu.

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George: The guy in China.

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Condi: Hu.

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George: The new leader of China.

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Condi: Hu.

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George: The main man in China!

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Condi: Hu is leading China.

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George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

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Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

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George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

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Condi: That's the man's name.

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George: That's who's name?

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Condi: Yes.

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George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

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Condi: Yes, sir.

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George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

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Condi: That's correct.

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George: Then who is in China?

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Condi: Yes, sir.

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George: Yassir is in China?

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Condi: No, sir.

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George: Then who is?

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Condi: Yes, sir.

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George: Yassir?

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Condi: No, sir.

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George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

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Condi: Kofi?

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George: No, thanks.

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Condi: You want Kofi?

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George: No.

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Condi: You don't want Kofi.

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George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

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Condi: Yes, sir.

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George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

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Condi: Kofi?

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George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

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Condi: And call who?

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George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

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Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

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George: Will you stay out of China?!

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Condi: Yes, sir.

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George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.

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Condi: Kofi.

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George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

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This message has been edited by Jacen, 02-01-2005 22:56 AM

I wish.I got that in an email.

You'd think that she'd check out her facts first before making such statements on tv.

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Zippy: "One skin, two skin, three skin, four.... "

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George: "Zippy, where is Bungle?"

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Zippy: "I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"

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We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.

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Bungle: "Geoffrey, I can't get it in"

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Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"

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Bungle: "I know, let's try it round the other way around. Ooooooh, I've got it in"

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Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit

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Bungle: "Would you stick this on the shelf, George"

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George: "I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself,

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Geoffrey (to camera) " Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"

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Bungle: "Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"

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Geoffrey: "Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?"

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George: "Yesterday we played with our balls.

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Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?"

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Bungle: "Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."

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Geoffrey (to camera): Have you seen Bungles twanger?

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Zippy: "Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."

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Bungle: "It's my plucking instrument."

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Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle

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Zippy: "I can, I'm the best plucker here."

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George: "And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?"

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Zippy: "Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."

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Geoffrey: "Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."

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Bungle (excited): "Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all paint our twangers couldn't we?"

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George: "Let's sing that plucking song."

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Bungle: "Rod and Roger can get their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."

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Singers Rod, Roger and Jane enter.

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Rod: "We could hear you all banging away."

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Roger: "Banging can be fun."

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Jane: "Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Roger."

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Roger (looking sad): "Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."

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Geoffrey: "Never mind Roger, let sing the plucking song, come on

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everybody get your instruments out."

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Rod (to Jane): "Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"

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Jane: "Oh no Rod, I was blowing a lot with Roger last night. But would you

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like to play with my maracas?"

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Zippy: "No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."

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Bungle: "Yes, it doesn't matter what size your twanger is."

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Zippy: "I've got a big red one."

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George: "I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it."

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Geoffrey (to viewers): "Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember,

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you can bounce your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any balls,

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ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all sing the plucking song."

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Everyone in studio: "Pluck, pluck, pluck away, we're going to pluck all day today."

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"Pluck, pluck, pluck away, we're going to pluck all day."

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Geoffrey (to viewers): " It's time for us all to go now, but don't forget to

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get your twangers out and play with your balls." "See you soon. Bye."

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I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29.She said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward.""$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be right," my mind raced.Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago. I didn't have my calculator watch (I lost it a while back) so I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me. Let's see ... 483/429 ... over 12 percent tax!When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said "what's the sales tax in Huntsville?"She didn't know. I said "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right. Can I talk to the manager?"She gave me my change and called the manager.So the manager comes over.I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent.I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that's over 12 percent sales tax.She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. (biggie upgrade was 35 cents - which would be 4.64 plus tax which would put it over $5).She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change."HA!" I thought to myself. "Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me."I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off without my food.